Archives: February 2007
Stocks Plummet Worldwide
DISCLAIMER: No, I don't blame yesterday's stock market drop on President Bush.
EXCLUSIVE: Fox News Loves Britney Spears
Does Fox News love Britney Spears? That question has long plagued millions of Americans, as well as this irresponsible blogger, so, this week, armed only with an aging laptop and a burning desire to find the truth, I set out to find the truth.
I said truth too many times.
Nevertheless, the answer is yes. Fox News does, in fact, love Britney Spears, madly, passionately, and with wanton disregard for the truth.
I could end this piece here, having said "truth" far too many times, but that would be doing you a disservice, and it wouldn't be fair to the truth.
A February 27 site search of FoxNews.com revealed 464 hits for the phrase "britney spears," 54 percent more than the 301 hits returned by the same search on CNN.com. But is this proof conclusive? Perhaps not.
The same search of MSNBC.com revealed 14,274 hits for "britney spears." Alas, is my theory blown?
Certainly, yes, absolutely it is. Without question.
But is it really?
Let's continue.
On the front page of its website, Fox News links to a hard-hitting piece explaining how Britney's "antics" could be rooted in post partum depression. Yes, depression could certainly explain a shaved Britney Spears, but the late-night crotchless partying with Lindsay Lohan et al.? Has the girl no shame? The Fox story goes into further detail, citing unnamed sources who claim that Britney also has a drinking problem. The plot thickens.
Like Fox News, MSNBC also gives top billing to Britney on its website, with two separate links to stories about the hairless pop star. The front page of Google's News site does as well. Yahoo! News and CNN.com, however, do not.
A standard search of Google.com for the phrase "britney spears" reveals 52 million links, only 217,000 of them within FoxNews.com (Google search using 'britney spears site:www.foxnews.com').
In fact, more than 99 percent of Google's Britney Spears links were located outside the Fox News online network. Baffling? In some ways, yes. The truth, fearless readers, seems to be that Ms. Spears is not only loved by Fox News, but by people around the world.
Bumbling Ragtag Regiment Achieves Heartwarming Victory In Iraq
The Onion...Quote:Read more here...
BAGHDAD—The war in Iraq came to a sudden, complete, and ultimately heartwarming end after the U.S. Army's hapless 115th Regiment defeated the insurgent forces in what military observers are terming a startling victory for the war's most notorious underdog unit.
"I hereby announce the cessation of hostilities in the country of Iraq," said the head of U.S. Central Command, Gen. John Abizaid, grudgingly singling out the ragtag bunch of misfits at a press conference Monday. "In all my years of military experience, I've never seen a sorrier group of bumbling, no-good, dangerously incompetent yahoos as the 115th. But, against my better judgment, and in recognition of their valor, courage, hijinks, and hilarity, I'm nominating each of these lovable bastards for the Congressional Medal of Honor."
Despite a record of egregious tactical errors, a high rate of friendly-fire deaths, and an official classification as "dishonorable dingbats," the 115th Light Infantry Regiment—or "Walters' Wombats," as they were known throughout southern Iraq—sent troop morale soaring in the occupied territories after they wiped out a group of enemy combatants in the insurgent-controlled suburbs of Baghdad last week.
"These were the last kids anybody expected to win the U.S. military mission in Iraq, or anything else, for that matter," said Sgt. Matthew Walters, the regiment's commanding officer. "[Spc. Charlie] Bartowsky ate so many hot dogs, he couldn't even fit inside his Hummer, [Lance Cpl.] Novak's thick glasses kept falling off whenever he had to disarm a mine, and of course, wisecracking [Pfc. Albert] Peterman was killed by sniper fire."
"All I know is I had to finally put down the booze and get my career back on track, because, sorry as I was, I happened to be the only one who believed in them," Walters added. "Otherwise, they were all going back in body bags, for sure."
Joke of the Day
"Last night, Helen Mirren won an Oscar for her role in 'The Queen.' And now, the real Queen of England has invited her to have tea at Buckingham Palace. Meanwhile, President Bush has extended a similar invitation to Larry the Cable Guy." --Conan O'Brien"The U.S. government has hired several psychics to help find Osama bin Laden. So far the psychics haven't been able to locate bin Laden, but they do predict soon he'll find true love." --Conan O'Brien
"I was listening to the news in the back. This just in: President Bush just promised we will be out of the Academy Awards by 2010" --David Letterman
"Presidential candidate Tom Vilsack ... has dropped out of the presidential race. Experts say it's because he failed to attract a very important demographic group when you're running for president -- people." --Jay Leno
Joke of the Day
"Hillary Clinton's campaign wants Barack Obama to publicly renounce Hollywood producer David Geffen's statement attacking the Clintons. ... Geffen said, 'I know everyone in politics has to lie, but the Clintons do it with such ease, it's troubling.' I think that's an unfair statement. Just because you're really good at something doesn't mean it's easy." --Jay Leno"Monday was Presidents' Day, and as expected, President Bush was up at the crack of dawn, ready to open presents." --Amy Poehler
"Condoleezza Rice insists the coalition is still intact. But you know Condi -- Bush could walk into the Oval Office naked and she'd say, 'Nice tie.'" --Bill Maher
"Three large balloons were floated above the Pentagon this past weekend, as the U.S. Defense Department tested its chemical and biological weapon defenses. So, rest easy America. In case of an attack, we've got three large balloons." --Seth Meyers
U.S. finds Iranian bomb factory inside Iraq
Cartoon first ran on July 27, 2006
JADIDI, Iraq — U.S. officers said today they had discovered a factory near the town of Jadidi for assembling sophisticated roadside bombs from Iranian-made components. The factory is said to be eleven stories tall and employ a work force of 7,000 Iranian bomb makers.
Asked to provide proof of their claim, the officers responded by saying, "Next question please."
Iranians were quick to condemn the charge.
"This is ridulous," Iranian bomb maker Mohsen Bahrami said. "None of our Iraqi bomb factories are near Jadidi. Not one! This is a bogus charge. The Americans are lying!"
Military officials also said the factory — so large it was visible from space — was the largest of its kind outside of Tehran.
"This factory is literally huge," said Capt. Clayton Clover, the commander of the company that found the factory, "like an automotive plant. We knew the Iranians were up to something, but we never expected to find anything like this. This is the proof the American people have been clamoring for."
Little people combat society's midget mentality
I prefer the term "vertically challenged."Quote:Read more here...
As the Oscars are awarded tonight, Hollywood has reached the last frontier of apologies. One of the few groups entertainers can still insult freely is "midgets."
I am a person with dwarfism and I get offended every time I hear someone in Hollywood use that word. After Mel Gibson, Michael Richards and Isaiah Washington, calling a person a "midget" is about the last thing anyone in Hollywood has left to apologize for saying.
Midget is a word that is misunderstood by most people. I hear it yelled at me out of car windows, both as an insult to my being short and sometimes as a threat to my safety. It is also frequently heard on television. I'd like to help set the record straight about this annoying, biting word that has followed me around my entire life.
The outcry over bigotry, homophobia and racism during the past six months in Hollywood has been admirable. But why should someone apologize for using the word midget?
We must first look at where the word comes from. Midget was created from the combination of the word midge, meaning "small fly" and the suffix -et, so that etymologically the word midget means a "very small small fly."
DISCLAIMER: I have nothing against little people. I do, however, have a big problem with tall people. Them and their long shadows and their pointy elbows, lumbering all over the place, making ME step out of their way because they're too "important" to step aside.
Stupid tall people...
Clinton/Bush & the USS Cole Bombing
With all due respect to conservatives, many like to point to the bombing of the USS Cole in October of 2000 as evidence President Clinton was soft on terrorism and "let Osama bin Laden get away with murder."
The publisher of this clip says that this newscast, from 11 days before Bush took office, is the first time anyone reported that OBL was behind the attack.
Anyone have more to say about the Cole bombing and Bush/Clinton's response to it please post your comments here. Please, though, stick to this one issue. Don't go referring to things you think Clinton did or didn't do three years earlier.
Andy Dick - Presidential Speechalist
Very funny clip here starring Andy Dick. The hilarity ensues here...Critics Claim Welfare State Growing
Cartoon first ran on July 19, 2006
MONDAY - The welfare state is bigger than ever despite a decade of policies designed to screw poor people from public aid, say critics of the nation's social programs.
The number of families receiving cash benefits from welfare has plummeted since the government imposed time limits on the payments a decade ago, but the Bush administration credits deep funding cuts with the change. Other programs for the poor, though, like Medicaid, food stamps and disability benefits, are bursting with new enrollees. That, an administration spokesperson says, will be dealt with soon.
"We're going to get people off public assistance if it kills them," said Poverty Research Institute Director Charles Glibner.
According to an Associated Press report, nearly one in six people rely on some form of public assistance, a larger share than at any time since the government started measuring two decades ago. Some say that higher health insurance premiums and medical costs are partly to blame.
"Despite our best efforts to stop it," added Glibner, "needy people are still getting public assistance."
Critics of the welfare overhaul say that despite overwhelming evidence that millions have moved from welfare to work, few former recipients have become self-sufficient. They say the vast majority sit on the couch all day long, spend food money on beer and drugs, and refuse to work when given the chance.
"If we hope to reduce the number of people receiving public assistance, we're going to have to stop providing public assistance. Poverty is a problem we just don't choose to address at this juncture. The War on Terror polls a lot higher than poverty does."
David Geffen Named G.O.P. Chairman
Andy Borowitz...Quote:Read more here...
Grateful Republicans Tap Chatty Mogul
In a move that could alter the playing field for the 2008 presidential race, the Republican National Committee today named Hollywood mogul David Geffen as its new party chairman.
At first, the choice of a famously outspoken liberal Democrat like Mr. Geffen to run the RNC seemed an unorthodox selection.
But outgoing party chairman Sen. Mel Martinez (R-Fla) said that it was “the least we could do” to thank the chatty mogul for igniting the recent round of mudslinging between Senators Hillary Clinton (D-NY) and Barack Obama (D-Ill), two top contenders for the Democratic presidential nomination.
“David Geffen somehow managed to get Hillary and Barack to start ripping into each other,” Sen. Martinez said. “Here at the RNC, we’ve been trying to make something like that happen for months.”
Sen. Martinez singled out Mr. Geffen’s recent remarks to the New York Times’ Maureen Dowd for special praise, especially his comments about Bill and Hillary Clinton’s aptitude for lying.
“If he can come up with sound-bites like that when he’s working for the Democrats, just imagine what he’ll do when he’s at the RNC!” Sen. Martinez gushed.
Cheney Makes Surprise Visit to Heaven
SUNDAY - Vice President Dick Cheney, in a series of blunt and sometimes biting statements during a visit to Heaven, defended the Iraq war, government corruption, secret energy meetings, outing CIA agents and cursing in public.His visit was made at the behest of Heaven's St. Peter, who sought to question the vice president about his handling of the war in Iraq. Cheney's tone was typically feisty.
He defended the war as a "remarkable achievement" to the Holy Gatekeeper, and dismissed suggestions that his days on earth were numbered.
At a news conference late Sunday, Cheney warned that "all options" are on the table if Heaven attempts to intervene in the Middle East, leaving the door open for military action.
24's Jack Bauer: Pre-school teaching assistant
I'd file this under Education if I had an Education category... but I don't.
Republican News Commentary by Trevor Rieger
I'm sorry ... no offense to Mr. Rieger, but is he on meth or something? Why does he wobble around so much? And why in God's name isn't he wearing a shirt? Is he sick? Oh, God, I hope he isn't a disabled veteran. I bet he is, or he has Parkinson's. And now I'm going to hell for making fun of him.
DISCLAIMER: I'm feeling very conflicted right now.
POLL: Foreign born for president?
I've run this poll before. It's strange... The results are different when Arnold Schwarzenegger is in the news.
Dancer: "The Iron Croatian"
OK... this is not political, but can I just say that I get a big kick out of watching regular people dance? Could this kid be any whiter? No offense.
DISCLAIMER: Oh, nevermind...
Pope Condemns Designer Baby 'Eugenics'
Cartoon first ran on September 17, 2007
SUNDAY - Before mass today Pope Benedict condenmed genetic engineering that allows people to select so-called "designer babies" by screening them for defects.
In a speech to the Pontifical Academy for Life, a Church body of experts, the Pope also attacked artificial insemination and the widespread use of medical tests that can detect diseases and inherited disorders in embryos.
"In developed countries, there is a growing interest for the most sophisticated biotechnological research to introduce subtle and extensive eugenics methods in the obsessive search for the 'perfect child'," the Pope said. "I remember when the Nazis and I did similar research in the 1930s, and believe you me, it doesn't work."
He said the right to life was increasingly under attack in the world, citing pressures to legalise abortion in Latin America, and euthanasia in the richest countries. "War is the only God-approved way to weed out the weak and the sick," he added. "It's been good enough for thousands of years. No stupid medical procedures are gonna supplant millenia of mass killing the old fashioned way."
He also spoke out against civil unions as an alternative to marriage, his latest criticism of a bill approved this month by the Italian government granting rights to unwed and gay couples.
"Now, obviously," the Pope said, "the Church takes the issue of homosexuality very seriously. We're 100 percent behind it." Turning that bill into law now appears a more remote possibility, as it was dropped from a government program submitted by Romano Prodi.
DISCLAIMER: I have nothing against religion. I went to Catholic school, said my Hail Mary's, Our Fathers and believe that God has better things to do than to question my sense of humor.
Iran TV Cartoon Compares Bush To Hitler
Iran TV Cartoon Compares Bush To Hitler - The funniest home videos are here
My Persian is a little weak, but I still thought this was ironic because didn't Iran host a Holocaust denial conference last December?
DISCLAIMER: I have nothing against Iran and Persian is a beautiful language.
Headline Could Have Read: Blue Steel Blows Carrier Landing Believing He Was off to the Right
Very cool...
Navy Recruitment Ad
DISCLAIMER: I love and appreciate the Armed Forces. I don't think it's necessarily stupid to enlist either. It's no dumber than half the things I do.
Safer for Rice in Baghdad
Cartoon first ran on October 12, 2006
SUNDAY - This morning Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said Congress shouldn't micromanage the Iraq war. Proving her case, she pointed to the current management of the war by the president and said, "And, I mean, look who's in charge now? It's not like they could do any better than that. Am I right? Cha-ching!" And she encouraged lawmakers to support President Bush's troop increase.
"I would hope that Congress would recognize that it's very important for them to have the oversight role," Rice said. "But when it comes to the execution of policy in the field, there has to be a clear relationship between the commander in chief and the people actually doing the executions in the field."
Many Democrats, now the majority party on Capitol Hill, are unhappy with Bush's plan to send more U.S. troops to try to quell the violence in Baghdad. It keeps them up at night. You can see it in their eyes. They are considering several options, including revoking Congress' 2002 vote authorizing the invasion of Iraq. "First we voted for the war, then we were against it, then we were for it, and now we want to revoke the votes we made in the first place."
Another proposal under consideration would limit U.S. troops to fighting al-Qaida terrorists, training the Iraqi security forces, maintaining Iraq's borders and pulling out combat forces -- in other words ... what?
Rice said it would be a major mistake to disrupt the chain of command. The reason? Because the chain of command is easily disrupted. The end of the chain can't walk and chew gum at the same time.
"Then you're going to have the worst of micromanagement of military affairs. And it's always served us badly in the past," she said. "Every time someone tries to watch what we're doing, we have to stop doing it. We hate that."
Rice said it is impossible to distinguish what is going in Iraq from the larger fight against al-Qaida.
"Some of these car bombs may indeed be the work of an organization like al-Qaida," she said of the violence that continues to rock Baghdad. "So I think it's fair to say that al-Qaida is behind the insurgency in Iraq. Matter of fact, I'd go so far as to say Iraq was behind the attacks of September 11 because, I mean, we now know al-Qaida is in charge in Iran, too. Yup..."
"I think it's best to leave the flexibility of what to do on the ground to commanders on the ground who understand the situation, who understand the intricacies and the relationship among these various tasks that the American armed forces have to do," Rice said. "Someone like President Bush who can juggle fifteen tasks at the same time. Yeah... someone like that."
Red State Update: Global Warming
My favorite quote: "...worried about them terrorists blowing myself up."
DISCLAIMER: For the record, I have nothing against rednecks or Southerners in general. I just think they talk funny.
Helping a Family Save a Home
Yesterday, a friend of mine sent out this email to a distribution list we all belong to. He humbled himself in front of friends -- now in front of the rest of the planet -- because necessity is the mother of invention. He's trying to use his head to save his family home. I respect him even more now than I did before I knew he was going through a tough financial time.
Please read his message and take a look into helping Colin through Prosper.com. Prosper facilitates (that word always makes me think of Jim Carrey in Cable Guy) lending money directly to people, taking banks out of the equation, the idea being that banks don't need any more money than they already have. You earn a healthy interest rate on your loan, too. No, in case you were wondering, this isn't a Nigerian email scam.
I think some of my international readers might be shocked to learn the amounts of money being discussed here. All I can say is life in America gets expensive. To be middle class, which is a good standard of living, isn't as easy as it once was.
Here's Colin's message:
Hello all,Learn more about it here...
I have been reading (but without much time to comment) on the latest discussions of utopian fantasy, roads to serfdom, and what I am sure will one day be widely recognized as a definitive and famous work authored by Michael [friend's surname removed]. But today I ask that you consider for a moment between these discussions, helping me to save my home. After a period of long unemployment interrupted only by a temporary low-wage job, I finally found permanent work -- with the City of Salinas -- as a Neighborhood Services Coordinator, where I will be helping to "strengthen the social fabric" of the City of Salinas, which I look greatly forward to. The job starts March 5 and will gross $3997/month which together with my wife's current net pay of 2600 will result in a household net of $6200 by the end of March (the City provides the first paycheck at the end of the month in which new employees begin).
Unfortunately my mortgage company (that I made payments on time to for a year even when I was unemployed, by cashing out my retirement and using up all my available credit) doesn't care about my new upcoming job and isn't happy that I'm a couple payments behind. They want to foreclose and I am trying to come up with money to avoid it. My parents (Tom and Maria [name removed]) can't help because they are in costly legal difficulties trying to fend off crazy neighbors and my sister can't help due to that she is about to have her second baby in a couple of days. You can help me in a small way and actually make money yourself doing it. I've created a listing on Prosper.com which you can see at
http://www.prosper.com/public/lend/listing.aspx?listingID=102009
With this listing comes a way for you to actually make money by helping me save my home. You can bid for a part of the loan I am proposing, for example, if you want to bid for 50 dollars, and if you win the bid for that portion you would end up covering 50 dollars of my loan and you would be repaid more than the 50 dollars you pay (because of interest) over time by way of deductions scheduled to occur automatically every month from my bank account beginning in April. Even a small 50 dollar bid helps because (1) you make money off of it in interest and (2) your bids will cause other individuals to bid on my loan which in turn makes it more likely that I will get my loan fully funded.
Help my family stay in our home -- bid on my Prosper loan! And, spread the word to your friends who might also want to make a buck by bidding for a portion of my loan.
-Colin
Let's Go Baghdad!
Radaronline.com...
Quote:Read more here...
Sunny, historic Baghdad has been a tourist hot spot for more than a thousand years, but lately the city's reputation has been sullied by gloomy pessimists who insist on describing the place as a "living hell" or an "anarchic slaughterhouse." This dire view is shared by the 50 or so Western journalists still quartered in Iraq, who spend their days fortified in depressing bunkers surrounded by trigger-happy armed guards. But leave it to the good time gang at the conservative National Review to pick up on a little-noticed trend: Last fall, in a piece titled "Good News From Iraq," the magazine gleefully reported that "tourists are now returning" to visit the country's cultural sites. So for those irrepressibly upbeat ambassadors of democracy who'd like to get a head start on the throngs of Baghdad-bound spring breakers, Radar presents a guide to letting loose in the city.
Getting There
Royal Jordanian offers daily flights from Amman, but brace yourself for a steep, corkscrew descent to evade small-arms fire. (If you're prone to losing your lunch, best bring a sandwich for refueling later—the airport's Bob Hope Dining Facility is now closed.) Hire an armored car for the five-mile trip into the city on the infamous Highway of Death. The going rate is $2,400, not including tax and tip. If you elect to ride in a "soft" vehicle, stay low: Try curling up on the floor with a good book or religious talisman.
Accommodations
Choose comfy digs—you'll be spending lots of time there. As one Time magazine staffer glumly notes, "there really isn't much room for Westerners in Baghdad anymore, except for the fortified archipelago that is your hotel." Decent water pressure and reliable electricity pass as luxuries, but several spots still offer a (mostly) solid wall between your cot and incoming mortar rounds.
Bill Clinton Flashback: Boris & Bill
Good old Boris and Bill. There's nothing to this clip, really. I just love to watch people laugh.
Cheney Debunks Himself
thecarpetbaggerreport.com...Quote:Read more here...
Shortly after the first Gulf War, then-Defense Secretary Dick Cheney was a little sensitive to charges that he failed to “finish the job” against Iraq. More than a few hawks thought that Cheney and the other Bush administration dropped the ball when it had the opportunity to take out Saddam but chose not to.
In a 1991 speech, Cheney delivered a rather defensive speech on the subject, noting the intense sectarian rivalries that dominate Iraqi society and the likely inability to maintain stability in Baghdad. As for replacing Saddam with a democracy, Cheney asked his audience, “How much credibility is that government going to have if it’s set up by the United States military when it’s there? How long does the United States military have to stay to protect the people that sign on for the government, and what happens to it once we leave?”
Cheney also said:
“The notion that we ought to now go to Baghdad and somehow take control of the country strikes me as an extremely serious one in terms of what we’d have to do once we got there. You’d probably have to put some new government in place. It’s not clear what kind of government that would be, how long you’d have to stay. For the U.S. to get involved militarily in determining the outcome of the struggle over who’s going to govern in Iraq strikes me as a classic definition of a quagmire.”
The ‘91 Cheney sure was smart, wasn’t he?
Bush Plugs New Jobs Website
QuietAgent.com - Anonymous Job Offer Agent for Employed People.
Does anyone else think President Bush would make a fantastic literary agent? Anyone?
OBAMA: This explains everything
DISCLAIMER: I like Hillary Clinton, maybe not for president, but I like her as a person.
POLL: No experience for president?
NOTE: As far as I know, every candidate who has announced a run for the presidency in 2008 does have some political experience.
Maureen Dowd, At Center of Obama-Clinton Feud
Cartoon first ran on September 1, 2006
The whole Geffen-Dowd-Obama-Clinton thing is what happens during slow news cycles, between Anna Nicole Smith autopsies and Britney rehab stories. There's nothing else to talk about for a couple days straight so the press clomps onto something like this.
Here's what I see:
#1) Hillary Clinton should have gone after Geffen and Dowd, not Obama, since Geffen is the one who smeared her.
#2) Obama didn't do anything wrong.
#3) David Geffen thinks the Clintons are lying scumbags.
#4) Maureen Dowd can write but is a cynical puke.
Interesting piece dissecting Maureen Dowd's "hit piece" on Barack Obama. I'm not a huge Maureen Dowd fan, which is weird considering how positive and optimistic she comes across in print. She, like me, hates sarcasm and cynicism, which is why I think it's strange she'd have a problem with someone as negative, pessimistic and divisive as Barack Obama.
Yeah... I suck at sounding sarcastic in print. Oh, well. Read more here...
FOX NEWS’ "Fair & Balanced" Obama Coverage
It's funny when you repeat to yourself, "Fair & Balanced," as you watch the clip.
Joke of the Day
"Things getting very nasty in Washington. Today the White House denied an assertion by Senator Harry Reid that the Iraq war is 'the worst foreign policy mistake in U.S. history.' The White House said, 'You have to realize that President Bush has two more years in office.'" --Conan O'Brien"Did you all have a nice Presidents' Day yesterday? President Bush marked the occasion in his usual way -- by ignoring the other two branches of government." --Jay Leno
"A team of astronauts, engineers and scientists have asked the United Nations to make plans to deflect a giant asteroid that could hit Earth on April 13, 2036. There's a one in 45,000 chance it could hit. So it's about the same chance Joe Biden has of being president." --Jay Leno
"It's not that far away -- the 2008 presidential race. Today Mitt Romney ... was declared a safe alternative to Lunesta." --David Letterman
THE DAILY SHOW: Mess O'Potamia
Sorry about the commercial before the clip. Comedy Central does that with their stuff. Oh, and this video will expire on March 15, 2007. Comedy Central also does that.
LIBBY TRIAL: Waiting for a Verdict
OK ... this is meant to be news, not comedy, but ... I'm sorry -- watch the lady on the right. Just trust me. Keep watching. Trust me on this one.
One Guy's Hypnotic Take on the Bush Agenda
This video is the bizarre product of a disturbed mind!
I'm talking about Michael Jackson's Thriller, of course -- bizarre.
And this other video, this one, is also strange and twisted. I'm referring to Billy Jean, obviously.
And this one here with George Bush is also kinda weird.
Saddam's Gold
Saddam's Gold - Click here for another funny movie.
I wonder what happened to Iraq's gold reserves. I'm sure most of it is accounted for because in general people are trustworthy, but we hear so much about how Iraq's a war zone, in disarray, hard to keep tabs on supplies, cash, casualties, etc. that you have to assume at least some of Iraq's gold found its way into the pockets of a few American soldiers.
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I'm not saying American soldiers are criminals. They're just as nice as anyone else, but if you stick a bunch of guys in a trailer filled with gold bars and aren't keeping an eye on them, don't be surprised if a couple of them leave the trailer a few ounces heavier than when they entered it.
Bush: I’ll Bring Troops Home on JetBlue
Andy Borowitz...Quote:Read more here...
No Exact Timetable, President Says
Under increased pressure to announce an exit strategy from Iraq, President George W. Bush revealed plans today to bring U.S. troops home on the budget airlines JetBlue. Mr. Bush received praise for his decision to withdraw American troops, but his choice of JetBlue to transport them raised more than a few eyebrows.
According to most official estimates, with its recent spate of scheduling problems and flight delays, JetBlue could take up to seven years to bring U.S. troops home, and possibly ten years in the event of inclement weather.
But at a press conference at the White House today, the president argued that the selection of Jet Blue was “crucial” to the success of his latest exit strategy.
“Setting an exact timetable for a withdrawal from Iraq would be playing right into the enemy’s hands,” Mr. Bush said. “By going with JetBlue, our enemy will have no idea when we’re leaving.”
To emphasizes his point, Mr. Bush added, “And neither will we.”
Giuliani To Run For President Of 9/11
The Onion...Quote:Read more here...
NEW YORK—At a well-attended rally in front of his new Ground Zero headquarters Monday, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani officially announced his plan to run for president of 9/11.
"My fellow citizens of 9/11, today I will make you a promise," said Giuliani during his 18-minute announcement speech in front of a charred and torn American flag. "As president of 9/11, I will usher in a bold new 9/11 for all."
If elected, Giuliani would inherit the duties of current 9/11 President George W. Bush, including making grim facial expressions, seeing the world's conflicts in terms of good and evil, and carrying a bullhorn at all state functions.
"Let us all remember how we felt on that day, with the world watching our every move, waiting on our every word," said Giuliani, flanked by several firefighters, ex-New York Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik, and Judith Nathan, his third wife. "With a campaign built on traditional 9/11 values, and with the help of every citizen who believes in the 9/11 dream, I want to make 9/11 great again."
According to Washington–based political analyst Gregory Hammond, Giuliani's candidacy "should not be underestimated."
Jet Blue apologizes for stranding people
I think JetBlue Airways founder and CEO David Neeleman is a class act, despite the company's recent struggles. Companies run by owners (real owners, not shareholders) usually have more integrity than companies run by CEOs brought in for a few years from other businesses. Just my opinion.
In other news, what the heck is up with the airline industry? Note to self: do not start an airline.
Poll: Majority of Americans Wish Bush Was a Fictitious Character
Andy Borowitz...Quote:Read more here...
Loses to Easter Bunny, Aquaman in Theoretical Match-ups
In perhaps the most troubling sign yet for his presidency, a poll released today shows that a majority of Americans wish that George W. Bush was a fictitious character rather than a real person.
Mr. Bush’s popularity has taken some serious hits in recent months, but the new survey marks the first time that over fifty percent of respondents indicated that they wished the president was a figment of their imagination.
When asked the question, “If you could choose whether George W. Bush was a real person or a fictitious character,” 51% said “fictitious character” while only 42% said “real person,” with the remaining 7% responding, “George W. Bush is a fictitious character.”
Even more troubling for the president is the survey’s conclusion that in theoretical match-ups with other fictitious characters, Mr. Bush would be trounced.
According to the poll, which has a margin of error of 5 percentage points, if an election were held today between Mr. Bush and the superhero Aquaman, Mr. Bush would lose to Aquaman by a margin of two-to-one.
Bush Budget a Gift to Billionaires
Matt Taibbi of RollingStone.com writes a great piece on where some of President Bush's proposed cuts in his planned budget would come from and whom the savings would go to. Some pretty shocking figures in here...I hear the cries of class warfare against the rich that come from the mostly rich end of the far right wing, but there are some programs that benefit people who need help more than you or I. I don't care what the explanation, it just seems wrong that a single American family of multi-billionaires like the Walton family, who I'm sure are very nice people, would get a $32.7 billion tax cut while Medicaid, a program relied upon by millions of dirt poor, needy Americans, would have its funding cut by a similar amount. How ever you cut it, that smells wrong. It doesn't seem right. That's for sure.
Quote:Read more here...
Sanders's office came up with some interesting numbers here. If the Estate Tax were to be repealed completely, the estimated savings to just one family -- the Walton family, the heirs to the Wal-Mart fortune -- would be about $32.7 billion dollars over the next ten years.
The proposed reductions to Medicaid over the same time frame? $28 billion.
Or how about this: if the Estate Tax goes, the heirs to the Mars candy corporation -- some of the world's evilest scumbags, incidentally, routinely ripped by human rights organizations for trafficking in child labor to work cocoa farms in places like Cote D'Ivoire -- if the estate tax goes, those assholes will receive about $11.7 billion in tax breaks. That's more than three times the amount Bush wants to cut from the VA budget ($3.4 billion) over the same time period.
Some other notable estimate estate tax breaks, versus corresponding cuts:
Cox family (Cox cable TV) receives $9.7 billion tax break while education would get $1.5 billion in cuts
Nordstrom family (Nordstrom dept. stores) receives $826.5 million tax break while Community Service Block Grants would be eliminated, a $630 million cut
Ernest Gallo family (shitty wines) receives a $468.4 million cut while LIHEAP (heating oil to poor) would get a $420 million cut
George Takai vs. Tim Hardaway
Tim Hardaway... another has-been who feels the need to let everyone know how he feels about a sensitive issue. Wasn't he taught the old, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all"? Or, as I prefer to remember it, "If you don't have anything nice to say, start a political satire website and talk trash about everyone."
Wakeboarding in Iraq
I like these slice-of-life videos because they show how people are people, boys will be boys, all that crap. No matter where you are or what you do, no matter what the conditions are like, eventually, people will find a way to unwind. It's human nature.
Barack Obama Tops the Charts!
Avant News...Quote:Read more here...
It is nothing new for popular musicians to throw their support behind a presidential candidate. Waldo Brumholder and the Whigettes were on the campaign trail for President William Henry Harrison. Frank Sinatra crooned for President John F. Kennedy. Toby Keith wailed in his own patriotic way for President George W. Bush in 2004. However, none of these examples can compare to the massive outpouring of support provided to Barack Obama in his 2008 bid for the presidency.
Not only is the support huge, nearly 40 bands/artists signed on to the project, the content itself is certainly worth a listen and it gets the message out there. Remember this is all about a presidential campaign and the appearance of Barack Obama's compilation collection, entitled Barackin' 44, at #1 on the Billboard Album Chart assures that those people who may have been snuggled up with their iPod whilst hiding under a rock during the past year of presidential campaigning will now be introduced to Barack Obama's name at the very least.
The 3 disc compilation includes such remakes as Neil Young's Barackin' in the Free World, Elton John's Baracket Man, The B-52's Barack Lobster and the Ramones' Sheena Is a Punk Baracker, to mention a few.
The producer of Barackin' 44 for the candidate's RockPAC label, Akon Daughtry said, "The level of support for Senator Obama from the music industry has been phenomenal and we believe this compilation album may be just enough to put us over the top."
Rudy Giuliani in Drag Kissing Donald Trump
Here's a clip from a documentary called "Giuliani Time," by Kevin Keating, which opened last spring in NYC. It's not really funny, per se... but Trump's hair looks good. =)
STEPHEN COLBERT: Helen Thomas's Chair
NOTE: This video will expire on March 15, 2007 because Comedy Central hates us all.
Joke of the Day
"It's hard to believe the No. 1 story, bigger than Iraq, Iran, the social life of Britney Spears, is still Anna Nicole Smith. CNN has officially changed their name this week to CN-Anna." --Jimmy Kimmel"He said the Iranians are sending weapons into Iraq. He's sure it's reliable intelligence, 'cause this time he was in the room when they made it up." --Bill Maher
"Congress is now trying to pass a bill that would require health insurers to cover more costs for the mentally ill. Once again, Congress looking out for themselves" --Jay Leno
"The House passed a non-binding resolution against the surge. Bush says he can't wait to get it to his imaginary desk and veto it with his air pen. He said, 'I've got my own non-binding resolution. It's called the United States Constitution.'" --Bill Maher
Iraq and Global Terrorism
A Mother Jones magazine study found that the rate of fatal terrorist attacks worldwide by jihadist groups, and the number of people killed in those attacks, increased dramatically after the invasion of Iraq. They found a 607 percent increase in the average yearly incidence of attacks (28.3 attacks per year before and 199.8 after) and a 237 percent rise in the fatality rate (from 501 to 1,689 deaths per year).
Most of the increase occurred inside Iraq, where about half the total number of of jihadist terrorist attacks happened, but, and this contradicts a popular White House claim, even excluding Iraq and Afghanistan there has been a 35 percent rise in the number of attacks and a 12 percent rise in deaths.
Jihadists have not focussed all their attention on Iraq. They're expanding their operations. I have heard conservatives say, "If we don't fight them there, we'll have to fight them here." The rate of attacks on the West has risen by almost 25 percent, while the yearly fatality rate has increased by 4 percent. Attacks aren't just happening in Iraq.
I've long held that the Iraq war has been such a disaster -- mainly that it has gone so poorly -- that it has inspired more people around the world to sign up to kill Americans. It's not a perfect world, but had we gone into Afghanistan and kept up the pressure, focussed all our attention on getting bin Laden, al Qaeda and wiping out the Taliban for good and totally ignored Saddam and Iraq, the world would be better off today.
But even after we'd gone into Iraq and the war had already started, if it had ended sooner and still wasn't ongoing today, even that would have been preferable to this. Read more from the Mother Jones story here...
Strategery: Read Sun Tzu's Art of War in its entirety.
2,500 years ago in ancient China a general named Sun Tzu authored what would become the most influential book in military history, "The Art of War." He is regarded as one of the earliest realists in international relations theory, and his work not only influenced military thinking, but politics in general.
The book isn't meant to be funny, but it is when read in the context of President You-Know-Who.
Professor Steel says, "I intend to post other public domain ebooks here (I'm working on getting "Alice in Wonderland") that I think reflect interestingly on contemporary American politics." But seriously, having them easily accessible online gives me something to read over lunch at work. Read the ebook here...
Bill Maher on Mormonism and Religion in Politics
For the record (that's my standard disclaimer now when posting inflammatory material), I have nothing against Mormons. Some of the nicest people I know are Mormons. Well ... not really, but I'm sure there are quite a few nice Mormons out there I just haven't had the privilege of meeting yet.
If it makes you feel any better, I make fun of myself even more often than I make fun of anyone else.
Hollywood True Stories: Bush and Blair
This cartoon first ran on July 18, 2006
British Prime Minister Tony Blair has been under pressure at home, even worse than the pressure Britney feels to be normal, to withdraw British troops from Iraq. The Brits have lost more than 130 soldiers fighting in Iraq, and 2/3 of the British want their soldiers to leave.
The UK's Guardian carried an ICM poll late last year suggesting that 87% of people thought Osama bin Laden was a great or moderate danger to peace, compared to 75% for George W Bush, 69% for Kim Jong-il, 65% for Hassan Nasrallah and 62% for Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Simply put, the Brits aren't huge George Bush fans and consequently see little reason to support an American expansion of the war in Iraq. Read more here...
Child-Safety Experts Call For Restrictions On Childhood Imagination
The Onion...Quote:Read more here...
WASHINGTON, DC—The Department of Health and Human Services issued a series of guidelines Monday designed to help parents curtail their children's boundless imaginations, which child-safety advocates say have the potential to rival motor vehicle accidents and congenital diseases as a leading cause of disability and death among youths ages 3 to 14.
"Defuse the ticking time-bomb known as your child's imagination before it explodes and destroys her completely," said child-safety expert Kenneth McMillan, who advised the HHS in composing the guidelines. "New data shows a disturbing correlation between serious accidents and the ability of children to envision a world full of exciting possibility."
The guidelines, titled "Boundless Imagination, Boundless Hazards: Ways To Keep Your Kids Safe From A World Of Wonder," are posted on the HHS website, and will also be available in brochure form in pediatricians' offices across the country.
According to McMillan, children can suffer broken bones, head trauma, and even fatal injuries from unsupervised exposure to childlike awe. "If your children are allowed to unlock their imaginations, anything from a backyard swing set to a child's own bedroom can be transformed into a dangerous undersea castle or dragon's lair," McMillan said. "But by encouraging your kids to think linearly and literally, and constantly reminding them they can never be anything but human children with no extraordinary characteristics, you can better ensure that they will lead prolonged lives."
San Francisco Fairy Shrimp Delay New University Campus
I know, I know... but this is not a joke. It's real. It's from a San Francisco Chronicle story.Quote:Read more here...
Endangered fairy shrimp, those tiny vernal pool dwellers that have bedeviled planners at UC Merced for years, are flexing their protected status again.
The half-inch-long crustaceans are in the path of the campus' long-range development plans and, according to the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers, their environmental standing might force the university to expand elsewhere -- possibly 15 miles away.
The campus, which opened in 2005 and is 6 miles from downtown Merced, wants to grow directly to the north and east with new dorms, lecture halls, classroom buildings and other facilities needed to accommodate a projected enrollment of 25,000 students by 2030.
The expansion would involve 910 adjacent acres, including 86 acres of seasonal wetlands over which the Corps of Engineers holds authority to regulate development or reject it outright.
Even more wetlands would be affected by a new residential university community of about 31,000 people planned for next to the campus. UC Merced and private developers want to jointly build the new city on 2,100 acres -- including 40 acres of wetlands -- directly south of the campus. It would include 11,600 homes, with some of the homes sold on the open market and others built as subsidized housing for faculty and staff. Also planned are stores, restaurants and entertainment facilities.
Cledus T Judd, "First Redneck on the Internet"
I don't have a category for country music... so Funny Videos will have to do.
THE DAILY SHOW: Dance, Dance Resolution
NOTE: This clip will expire on March 15, 2007. Don't blame me. It's Comedy Central's fault.