Archives: March 2007
FOX News Blames Democrats For Iran Captives
This is just a fascinating clip.
If talk show host Rosie Odonnell is trying to say that Iran has handled the British standoff well then I disagree with her; if she's trying to say there was a U.S. conspiracy to demolish building 7 on Sept. 11, 2001 then I disagree with her, but be that as it may, her remarks don't warrant this Fox News response. Calling her a "fat slob" on national television? Jesus, it's not like she called a former Senator a f*ggot.
TAGS: Fox News, Rosie Odonnell, Sean Hannity, Media, 9/11, Conspiracies, Funny Videos, Funny, Politics, Entertainment, Television
Bringing John McCain up to Speed
Earlier this week CNN aired an interview between Wolf Blitzer and CNN correspondent Michael Ware, who was reporting out of Baghdad. In the interview Wolf asks Ware to comment upon remarks made this week by Senator John McCain about the success of the Baghdad surge and how safe it is now for Americans in the city.
McCain Says Baghdad Safe for Americans
Ware has been reporting from Iraq for a while. Here's an excerpt from the transcript:
BLITZER: So is Baghdad really getting safer? A very different view of the reality there from our own reporter on the ground who says Senator McCain couldn't be more wrong. Let's go back to CNN's Michael Ware.
(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)
BLITZER: Michael, you've been there, what, for four years. You're walking around Baghdad on a daily basis. Has there been this improvement that Senator McCain is speaking about?
MICHAEL WARE, CNN CORRESPONDENT: Well, I'd certainly like to bring Senator McCain up to speed, if he ever gives me the opportunity. And if I have any difficulty hearing you right now, Wolf, that's because of the helicopter circling overhead and the gun battle that is blazing just a few blocks down the road.
Is Baghdad any safer? Sectarian violence, one particular type of violence, is down. But none of the American generals here on the ground have anything like Senator McCain's confidence.
I mean, Senator McCain's credibility now on Iraq, which has been so solid to this point, has now been left out hanging to dry. To suggest that there's any neighborhood in this city where an American can walk freely is beyond ludicrous. I'd love Senator McCain to tell me where that neighborhood is and he and I can go for a stroll.
And to think that General David Petraeus travels this city in an unarmed Humvee? I mean, in the hour since Senator McCain has said this, I've spoken to some military sources and there was laughter down the line. I mean, certainly, the general travels in a Humvee. There are multiple Humvees around it, heavily armed. There are attack helicopters, Predator drones, sniper teams, all sorts of layers of protection.
So, no, Senator McCain is way off base on this one -- Wolf.
BLITZER: Michael, when Senator McCain says that there are at least some areas of Baghdad where people can walk around and whether it's General Petraeus, the U.S. military commander, or others, are there at least some areas where you could emerge outside of the Green Zone, the international zone, where people can go out, go to a coffee shop, go to a restaurant, and simply take a stroll?
WARE: I can answer this very quickly, Wolf. No. No way on Earth can a Westerner, particularly an American, stroll any street of this capital of more than 5 million people.
I mean, if al Qaeda doesn't get wind of you, or if one of the Sunni insurgent groups don't descend upon you, or if someone doesn't tip off a Shia militia, then the nearest criminal gang is just going to see dollar signs and scoop you up. Honestly, Wolf, you'd barely last 20 minutes out there.
I don't know what part of Neverland Senator McCain is talking about when he says we can go strolling in Baghdad.
(END VIDEOTAPE)
BLITZER: And we have just learned that two Americans were killed tonight in the heavily fortified Green Zone in Baghdad.
TAGS: John McCain, Wolf Blitzer, CNN, Michael Ware, Baghdad, Iraq, Iraq Surge, Surge, Troops, Senator, McCain
First Twins Barbara and Jenna Bush will go to Iraq
WASHINGTON - Faced with a Congressional bill that would set a timetable for troop withdrawal from Iraq, and apparently desperate to keep his floundering war going, President Bush announced today that his twin daughters, Barbara and Jenna Bush, will be going to Iraq in a few days.
"No one can say now that the President's own family isn't making a sacrifice for the Iraqis' freedom and for the war on terror," Bush told reporters outside the White House. "Jenna and Barbara have volunteered to go, in fact, they insisted on going to serve their country in Iraq. Laura and I were amazed, had tears in our eyes and what have you, but we're very proud of both of them."
The president said that Jenna will be teaching Iraqi children to read while Barbara will be speaking to groups of Iraqi women about abstaining from alcohol.
"I think that's it, or maybe Jenna's the alcohol speaking one, or whatever," Bush laughed. "But see they know all about that stuff. Reading and alcohol and the whole ball of wax. Now I realize they don't know Iraqi or whatever that language is called, but thinking that could be a problem is just Democrat-style negativity. It's a loser's mentality. The twins won't cut and run because of a small thing like that. They will stay the course."
At this point, reporters saw the First Twins standing at an open window on the second floor of the White House, waving a large sign that read: "Help!!! Help!!! Being Kidnapped to Irag!!!" As reporters watched, two men dressed as security guards appeared in the window and forced the women away. Before the window slammed shut, Jenna screamed at her father, "Hell no, we won't go!"
President Bush, who had seen most of the incident, tried to laugh it off. "The twins are just funnin' with you," he said, grimmacing. "They're, uh, having a party to celebrate going to serve their country. Guess it's getting a little out of hand. You know how kids are."
The president refused to answer any more questions and ended the press conference.
TAGS: Bush Twins, Jenna Bush, President Bush, Bush, Iraq, War, Parody, Humor, Funny, Satire, Politics, Political, Underage Drinking, Democrats, White House
Joke of the Day
"So Congress and the White House headed for a standoff. Neither side willing to give an inch. What's an occupying country to do? Democratic Senator Mark Pryor has the answer, proposing that we pick a withdrawal date but keep it a secret. That way, when we withdraw, the enemy will just be confused." --Jon Stewart"McDonald's has a new hamburger out. The one-third of a pound hamburger. ... I'm not saying it will clog your arteries, but they're calling it the McCheney." --Jay Leno
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?" Bush says, "We're planning to invade Iran. And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Iranians and one bicycle repairman." The guy exclaims, "A bicycle repairman!!! Why kill a bicycle repairman?" Bush turns to Cheney, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, dummy! I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Iranians!" -- Unknown
Bush Caught on Microphone Wishing for Iraq War to Continue Indefinitely
A victim of open mic syndrome yet again, President Bush was overheard today wishing for the conflict in Iraq to continue indefinitely.
Bush was taking a break after a speech to Lockheed Martin employees when he stepped outside and up to a decorative fountain. Flicking a coin into the water the president was caught on tape quietly whispering, "I wish the war in Iraq never ends." The words were carried live on CNN, but Fox News played an enhanced version of the audio in which a voice like the president's can be heard adding the word "badly" to the wish -- "I wish the war in Iraq never ends badly."
It was not the first time the president had been caught off guard by a wireless lapel microphone. Late last year Bush was overheard singing "Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh, what a relief it is" while in a restroom stall in the United Nations building.
Later, when questioned about the Iraq comment, Bush said that at the time he spoke it he was imitating the "gutless Democrats in Congress."
Today's visit to Lockheed Martin was Bush's second to the defense contractor this year and his tenth visit to Lockheed overall. His visits are looked forward to by Lockheed employees, who say they owe the president a debt of gratitude for his policies.
Bush said he still hoped to pay at least one visit to Walter Reed Army Hospital some time before the end of his term, but it was unclear if such an opportunity would present itself.
In other news, the Pentagon is field testing a new neutron weapon in Iraq that leaves structures undamaged but incapacitates all unarmed civilians within a 100-foot radius.
TAGS: George Bush, Bushisms, Satire, Funny, Humor, Parody, News, The Onion, Iraq, Iraq War
MARCH 28, 2007 C-SPAN: Rappin' Rove at Annual Correspondents Dinner
At the same dinner, our fearless leader gave a pretty good monologue. When he's on, he's on, but when he's off -- three words: My Pet Goat.
WASHINGTON (AP) - Tell us, Mr. President, how have things changed since the last broadcasters' dinner?
"A year ago my approval rating was in the 30s, my nominee for the Supreme Court had just withdrawn, and my vice president had shot someone," President Bush said Wednesday night during the annual gathering.
"Ah," he said, "those were the good ol' days."
In keeping with the lighthearted traditions of the Radio and Television Correspondents' Association dinner, Bush poked fun at himself and a few others in remarks that drew laughter and applause at the Washington Hilton Hotel.
Bush thanked the organization for providing dinner, "and I'd like to thank Senator Webb for providing security."
Virginia's Democratic senator, Jim Webb, had to explain this week why an aide was carrying a loaded handgun as he tried to enter a Capitol complex building.
Noting that Vice President Dick Cheney was not in attendance, Bush said: "He's had a rough few weeks. To be honest, his feelings were kind of hurt. He said he was going on vacation to Afghanistan where people like him."
Cheney's recent trip to Afghanistan was marked by a bombing near where he was meeting with officials.
On the controversy over the Justice Department's firing of eight federal prosecutors, Bush said: "I have to admit we really blew the way we let those attorneys go. You know you've lost it when people sympathize with lawyers."
Acknowledging House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., at the head table, Bush said some had wondered how he'd get along with her. "Some say she's bossy, she's opinionated, she not to be crossed," he said. "Hey, I get along with my mother."
Looking ahead to life after leaving the White House, Bush said he might follow President Clinton's lead and produce a memoir.
"I'm thinking of something really fun and creative for mine," he said. "You know, maybe a pop-up book."
Possible titles: "How W. Got His Groove Back, "Who Moved My Presidency?" and "Tuesday with Cheney."
But seriously, folks, Bush noted that another person missing from the audience of broadcast journalists was Sen. Barack Obama, the Illinois Democrat running for president.
"Not enough press," the president cracked.
JIBJAB: What We Call The News
JibJab today released its latest musical satire entitled “What We Call the News.” The original video, set to the tune “Battle Hymn of the Republic,” lampoons news outlets for covering absurd and ridiculous stories at the exclusion of hard news in their epic quest for ratings.
“What We Call the News” features the comic media stylings of Bill O’Reilly, Larry King, Geraldo Rivera and Anderson Cooper, as well as pop diva Britney Spears and deceased train wreck Anna Nicole Smith. The two minute musical romp also includes the faces of more than 100 JibJab fans who emailed pictures to the company for a chance to be in the video.
JibJab is a digital comedy network founded by brothers Gregg and Evan Spiridellis in 1999. The company achieved international fame in 2004 with its political parodies, “This Land” and “Good to be in DC!,” which were seen more than 80 million times on every continent (including Antarctica). NASA even contacted the brothers for a copy of “This Land” to send to the International Space Station.
TAGS: JibJab, Musicals, Satire, Spiridellis, This Land, News, What We Call The News, Larry King, Geraldo, CNN, Parody, Flash, Cartoons, Animations, Funny, Humor, Jokes, Politics, Media
PZOTTOLO: Who really cares about global warming?
Pzottolo is the name of a popular YouTube personality and the host of an ongoing series of news parodies.
Sad Kermit
This isn't political ... but it alludes to a neverending American war so I found it apt. That, and I'm a sucker for Muppets.
TAGS: Kermit, Muppets, Drugs, Heroin, Humor, Swamps, Puppets, Junk, Smack, Dirty Needles, Frogs, Amphibians, Folk Music, Funny, Parody
Ann Coulter: Elizabeth Edwards Doesn't Have Cancer
Immediately after John and Elizabeth Edwards were interviewed on "60 Minutes" Sunday night about their decision to continue to campaign for the Democratic nomination for president for John despite Elizabeth's medical diagnosis of terminal cancer, conservative pundit Ann Coulter was interviewed on Fox News for her analysis of the interview.
"It's obviously nothing but a shameless political ploy," Coulter scoffed. "I mean, first, did you see Elizabeth Edwards? She looks as healthy as a horse. Their claim that she has cancer is obviously a lie to gain media attention and public sympathy that will result in Edwards' getting the nomination.
"They did this once before you know, and it worked," Coulter continued. "The very same day that pansy Kerry and faggot Edwards lost the presidential election, Elizabeth Edwards was 'diagnosed' with breast cancer. What a coincidence and how convenient! Her husband was no longer a vice presidential candidate and had lost his Senate seat besides. He would have disappeared back into his law practice in piney woods North Carolina, and been forgotten, and rightly so, except for Elizabeth's 'news'. This made the headlines and kept them in the picture. Elizabeth also wrote emails to their supporters about how her so-called treatment was going and later wrote a book about her alleged experience. Now how many women do you know who have breast cancer who are well enough to email people they don't even know personally and then write a book? Come on!
"But it worked, you see -- Elizabeth's big lie kept her and her husband in the public eye for few more years -- until John can announce he wants to be his party's nominee for president. But he soon discovers that he's running in third place, behind a she-devil and a black man. I mean, how embarrassing for a Southern white man like John, right?
"So John comes up with a plan -- it worked before, but they have to up the ante! Now Elizabeth supposedly has cancer again and this time it's supposed to be terminal. So this immediately gets them back in the headlines! They do an interview on 60 Minutes! Watch John Edwards get a lot of political traction from this. I thought the American public was smarter than to fall for this garbage twice. Elizabeth will live to be a grandma, I guarantee it. The whole thing makes me want to puke!"
Elsewhere, a new NBC poll revealed that a majority of people around the world consider President Bush "The Most Hated Person in the Galaxy." Darth Vader came in second.
TAGS: John Edwards, Ann Coulter, Elizabeth Edwards, Hypocrisy, Satire, Parody, Humor, Republican, Conservative, Funny, News, Politics, Political, Democrats, President
Joke of the Day
Al Gore, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush go to heaven, and God addresses Al first. ''Al, what do you believe in?''Al replies: "Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now.''
God thinks for a second and says: "Very good. Come and sit at my left.''
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?''
Bill Replies: "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.''
God thinks for a second and says: "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.''
Then God addresses George.
"George, what do you believe in?''
He replies: "I believe you're in my chair."
TAGS: Political, Jokes, Politics, Bill Clinton, Religion, Al Gore, George Bush, Humor, Funny
Bush Offers U.S. Attorneys New Positions in Iraq
Attempt to Calm Furor over Mass SackingIn a bold attempt to end the controversy over the sacking of eight United States attorneys, President George W. Bush today offered the fired prosecutors what he called “exciting new positions” in Iraq.
With the President facing pressure from Congress over the firing of the attorneys and funding for the continuing war effort, Mr. Bush told reporters at the White House that sending the “surge” of eight U.S. attorneys to Baghdad was a “win-win” solution to both problems.
“Congress has been trying their darnedest to limit my ability to prosecute this war,” Mr. Bush said. “Well, I can think of no one more qualified to prosecute this war than those eight prosecutors.”
Mr. Bush said that dispatching a surge of lawyers to Baghdad will be send a strong message to insurgents and terrorists that they can no longer take the law into their own hands.
“I have strongly felt for some time that we need more suits on the ground,” Mr. Bush said. Read more here...
TAGS: Andy Borowitz, Iraq, Gonzales, George Bush, Clinton, Satire, Parody, Funny, Jobs
Joke of the Day
"Did you see this today about Barack Obama? Genealogy research has revealed that Obama's great-great-grandfather was born in Ireland. Oh great, now he won't be Irish enough for people." --Bill Maher"Alberto Gonzales still fighting for his life. Bush said this week that Gonzales has his full support and he has no plans to fire him. Of course, he made that statement in front of a big sign that said 'Adios Amigo.'" --Bill Maher
"At a Washington museum, a new exhibit is about to open that features a first-grade report card of President Bush's where he received straight A's. This sounds impressive, but President Bush was 23 at the time." --Conan O'Brien
"In what he called an emotional return to Congress, Al Gore on Wednesday testified before a House committee that climate change poses a crisis that threatens civilization. Then he hung around in the parking lot and told people he used to go here." --Seth Meyers
City Councilman Introduced to Handcuffs After Dispute with Mayor
Bad Politics - Click here for another funny movie.
Ann Coulter's Head Explodes, Prognosis Good
Within minutes after alleging on Fox News that John and Elizabeth Edwards' claim that Elizabeth has cancer again is a lie and a political ploy, Ann Coulter said she felt faint. She was helped offstage to the ladies room, where her head exploded. Paramedics were called to the scene and Coulter was rushed to an undisclosed hospital.
An aide to Coulter refused to reveal the conservative mental patient's whereabouts, but a physician who thoroughly examined Coulter at the hospital and spoke under assurance of anonymity a few hours later stated: "Ann Coulter's head did literally explode. No harm was done, however, as it turns out that her brains are located in her ass, which is still intact. Also, we discovered that Coulter, as has been rumored, in fact has no heart. These are medical phenomena that we never thought could exist! We are keeping Coulter for further tests and observation. Meanwhile, we've stapled Coulter's head back together and expect her to make a full recovery."
TAGS: Ann Coulter, John Edwards, Explosives, Coulter, Edwards, Satire, Parody, Funny, Mental, Evil
Tap to Live; Live to Tap
Cartoon first ran on August 22, 2006
TAGS: George Bush, Alberto Gonzales, Attorney General, Cartoon, Satire, Political Cartoon, Politics, Tap Dancing
Iranian Unmanned Aircraft Downed over Hawaii
HONOLULU - An Iranian UIA, or Unmanned Intelligence Aircraft, was shot down on Sunday by a Coast Guard patrol vessel five miles north of the Hawaiian island of Kauai. Along the hull of the aircraft, which measured four feet in length and was powered by six Duracell batteries, were the words, "Property of the Iranian government," and, "Made in China."
This marks the first time the Iranian Air Force's most sophisticated intelligence aircraft was spotted in US territory.
According to White House Press Secretary Tony Snow, this particular model of Iranian UIA, known as the "Radio Flyer," is the most sophisticated in Iran's arsenal. What looks like balsa wood in the photographs released by the Coast Guard is actually ultra-light weight titanium alloy, Snow said. He called it a blatant provocation and said the president was considering an appropriate response.
"We have to send the Iranians a clear signal that the United States will not tolerate incursions into its airspace by Iranian military aircraft," the president said in a statement issued by the White House. "If that means the use of nucular[sic] weapons, I am fully prepared to push that button. Matter of fact, I've been dying to push it since I got to Washington."
Iranian officials have denied the aircraft was one of theirs and have asked for proof.
"Are you f*cking kidding me!" Deputy Iranian Foreign Minister Matbut Araghchi said of the incident. "Seriously, is this a f*cking joke? Do you know how far Iran is from Hawaii?"
Snow said the White House was taking the incident very seriously.
People close to the president expect a measured initial response. The situation could provide an opportunity for the Department of Defense to test its own unmanned intelligence aircraft, the new $20 million Joint Strike Radio Flyer.
The Joint Strike Radio Flyer carries sophisticated surveilance equipment, has a range of 1,000 miles, and carries a small payload of tactical nuclear weapons.
Unlike the Joint Strike Radio Flyer, the Iranian Radio Flyer's only armament is its payload of Duracell batteries.
TAGS: George Bush, Iran, Satire, Parody, Funny, White House, Tony Snow, Nuclear, Hawaii
OLBERMANN: On the American Idol “Crying Scandal”
See, what audience members at home weren't able to see when Sanjaya Malakar was giving his performance was that he spit at that young woman and taunted her repeatedly, at one point even pulled her hair and said she was "headed for Iraq." So, what in reality was a class A felony ends up looking like a bad case of starstruck.
I have a sinking feeling that we're going to see Congressional hearings on this before we're done with this story.
Joke of the Day
"Sources at the Pentagon say that several factories in Iraq will soon begin making clothes to be sold in the United States. Yeah, because Americans only want two things from Iraq -- a stable, central government and affordable, quality menswear" --Conan O'Brien"I love when they say this is a constitutional crisis. Oh, please. We haven't used the Constitution in years." --Jay Leno, on the U.S. attorney firing scandal
FAVORITE ---> "Indicted Republican congressman Tom DeLay, who was forced to resign last year, sys in his new book that he used to cheat on his wife all the time and get drunk. He said that 20 years ago he was a self-centered a 'self-centered jerk.' That's all changed now. Now he's just a disgraced politician. Huge improvement." -Jay Leno
"He said that in the future our energy sources will work similar to how the Internet works today. Really? So our cars would run on porn?" --Jay Leno
Willie Nelson Fans Allege FBI Conspiracy Led to Recall of Willie Nelson's Ice Cream
Ben & Jerry's launch of their most recent celebrity-linked flavor, Willie Nelson's Country Peach Cobbler, which swirls peach ice cream with cinnamon sugar shortbread pieces, was short-lived.
Unfortunately for Nelson's fans, the first taste was delayed. The company is recalling approximately 250,000 pints of the new flavor because containers packed on January 23-24 and February 8-9 failed to list wheat as an ingredient, making it dangerous for those with a wheat allergy.
Immediately after the announcement, thousands of the singer's fans angrily flooded the airways of radio talk-shows, blogged, and emailed letters to the editors of local newspapers, decrying the recall as "an FBI plot" noting that the FBI pursued Nelson for years for Nelson's nonpayment of back taxes.
"The FBI made sure that wheat was left off the label, just to harass Willie," claimed Harmony Blue, a fan of Nelson for over 30 years and a professional singing activist. "I agree," said her companion, Little Spitting Hawk of the Cherorew Nation of Native American Wannabes. "Nelson rules, including, but not limited to, his hair."
Special FBI Agent, Jedgar J. Birch who has been assigned to answering the fans' complaints, scoffed at their concerns.
"I come from a long line of FBI agents," Birch said, "And we all have better things to do than worry about Mr. Nelson getting his own ice cream flavor. I mean, come on, just the amount of illegal spying we've been doing has run us all into overtime. In fact I made so much overtime in the past few years, I could probably buy Pigtail Nelson."
Elsewhere, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said she has learned that one of her ancestors owned an ancestor of the president's mother, Barbara Bush.
"I can't honestly say I'm surprised or sorry to find that out," Rice told journalists at a press conference at the White House.
"I mean, who's the bitch now, huh?" Rice concluded, chuckling.
TAGS: Willie Nelson, FBI, Ice Cream, Satire, Parody, Marijuana, Funny, Humor, Jokes, Condoleezza Rice, Barbara Bush
Joke of the Day
"After Congress subpoenaed presidential adviser Karl Rove, President Bush said he will allow Rove to answer questions, but not under oath. The president said, 'I'm all for him talking as long as he doesn't have to tell the truth.'" --Conan O'Brien"The Democrats are trying to turn these firings of U.S. attorneys into a partisan issue, but the president is above bickering. In fact, he made a generous peace offering. Karl Rove and Harriet Miers would submit to private interviews, but 'they would not take oaths nor would a transcript be made available.' See, the president is just trying to save this country from another painful perjury trial." --Stephen Colbert
"While on Capitol Hill today, Al Gore testified that if we act now, we can still save the planet. Well, not the whole planet. Except Florida. He said screw them." --Jay Leno
"Vice President Dick Cheney went to the hospital because of discomfort in one of his legs. Apparently, he hurt it while jumping for joy when he saw how high gas prices were." --Jay Leno
Bush and Britney - BFF
TAGS: Britney Spears, George Bush, Political Cartoons, Satire, Humor, Funny, Parody, Political Satire, Washington
President Bush Orders Britney Spears Released Early from Rehab: Reminds Pop Diva that He Is the Decider
MALIBU - In a possible prelude to a constitutional showdown with Congress, President Bush today ordered singer Britney Spears to be released early from the Promises Malibu Treatment Center. Bush signed Executive Order 90263 without seeking permission from either the singer or the treatment center, cutting short Spears' planned 45-day stay."First Kevin and now this," Spears' manager, Larry Rudolph, said in a statement late Tuesday. "This has Karl Rove written all over it."
Spears, 25, entered the facility Feb. 22 after a bout of bizarre behavior that included shaving her head, getting tiny lips tattooed on her wrist and beating a car with an umbrella. After her release, Spears was taken to a nearby 24 Hour Fitness with instructions from the White House to get her act together.
People close to the singer said she received a note written on the back of an autographed picture of the president that said, "You're a mother now. Shape up," and was signed, "The Decider."
It came as a big shock to Spears, who had always been a staunch supporter of the president.
"Is this the price of loyalty?" Rudolph said. "Brit voted for Dubya twice and treated the twins like they were sisters. I think we're still in shock."
TAGS: Britney Spears, George Bush, Karl Rove, Satire, Humor, Funny, Parody, Borowitz, Political Satire, Washington
THE DAILY SHOW: John Bolton's Back
John "The Walrus" Bolton either has giant cajones or doesn't know who Jon Stewart is.
Joke of the Day
"Today is the fourth anniversary of the war in Iraq. When asked about it, President Bush said, 'See, and people said it would never last.'" --Conan O'Brien"Al Sharpton and Barack Obama spoke on the phone for about five minutes yesterday. They have reportedly put their differenced behind them. Which means Obama can get back to running for president, and Sharpton can get back to doing whatever the hell it is he does." --Conan O'Brien
"According to some new recently declassified documents, Iraq pretended to have weapons of mass destruction to prevent themselves from being attacked. Well, that plan worked well." --Jay Leno
"Khalid Shaikh Mohammed ... confessed to being the mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks. He also said he planned 29 other attacks. Because of this, they said he could lose his New York City taxi cab driver license." --Jay Leno
President of Iran Declares War on Sparta
Vows to Nuke 300 WarriorsIn what foreign policy experts believe to be a direct response to the hit movie “300,” Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today declared war on Sparta.
Even for the mercurial Mr. Ahmadinejad, the move struck many diplomatic insiders as extraordinary, since the consensus in the international community is that the city-state of Sparta no longer exists.
But according to a close associate of Mr. Ahmadinejad, the Iranian president’s thoughts turned to war after seeing a matinee showing of “300” this past Saturday at the Tehran Cineplex 12.
“He was hopping mad at the way the Spartans kicked the Persians’ butts,” the aide said. “I haven’t seen him this angry since he saw that thing with Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore.”
At a press conference in Tehran today, President Ahmadinejad directed his most barbed comments at the 300 Spartan warriors depicted in the film. Read more here...
John Edwards Getting Ready or a Pert Commercial - You Be the Judge
Two words, John: maximum hold.
DISCLAIMER: Before the Neo-libs stone me to death, let me just say that I like John Edwards. Maybe not for president (I'm partial to Barack), but I think he's a great person.
Democrats, in Faceoff with Bush, Go on Fishing Expedition
WASHINGTON - Warned by President Bush not to go on a "partisan fishing expedition" over the firings of federal prosecutors, a group of defiant Democrats nevertheless embarked early Wednesday upon a partisan fishing expedition. The move comes after the president made it clear he would stand behind his cabinet members, particularly Attorney General Alberto Gonzales."This is still a free country," Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) said near Black Rock Lake in Southern Canada. "Me and the guys have been fishing since dawn. I haven't had any luck, but Nancy caught two small ones. Ted ran off with Kerry somewhere -- I haven't seen the two of them in a few hours -- but the point is George Bush does not order the Democrats around. No way, no how."
The expedition is expected to last through the weekend, depending on weather. Critics questioned the wisdom of literally taking a fishing expedition with multiple scandals breaking in Washington, but Reid defended the decision.
"We don't do this enough," a contented Reid in waders said from the shallows. "As Democrats, we're always fighting, always united and standing firm. It's time a group of us got together like this just to unwind for a few days, you know? I think this is what the American people want from us. They want us to relax."
Meanwhile, back in Washington, President Bush called the Democrats traitors for leaving the country in a time of war.
"There's a lot I can tolerate," Bush said. "Obviously, I can tolerate incompetence. I can tolerate corporate malfeezery and dishonesty, but there's one thing I can't tolerate, and that's traitorism." He said the traitors would be apprehended "dead or alive" upon their return to the United States.
TAGS: Democrats, George Bush, Senate, Harry Reid, Satire, Humor, Comedy, Funny, Parody, Politics, Liberal, Conservative
'Well, You Try To Reconstruct Iraq,' Says U.S. Defensive Dept.
WASHINGTON, DC—Responding to recent criticism of reconstruction efforts in Iraq, the U.S. Defensive Department released a statement to the public Monday suggesting that perhaps they could do better, since they're obviously so smart."Well, it looks like you American people have figured it all out, then," the statement read in part. "There's no need for the old government to do anything, because the citizens know just how to handle this whole reconstruction-of-Iraq thing. Well, go ahead! If it's so simple, and if you're so smart, then what's stopping you? Come on."
"Oh, gosh!" the statement continued. "Wait! It looks like Iraq is a whole big country! And it seems that someone just fought a war there, to oust a despotic regime! So, gee, this might take a while, huh?"
At a press conference Monday, visibly upset Defensive Department spokesman Lawrence Pettibone addressed key points of the ongoing reconstruction process, such as its cost.
"Oh, dear!" Pettibone said. "It's taking a little bit more time than expected. Maybe the U.S. military should quit, huh? Then you could do the job for them, Mr. and Mrs. American Genius. Go ahead!" Read more here...
Muppet Show Mahna Mahna
This is not really politics, but GAWD I love The Muppet Show!
Let me just tell you -- OMG! -- OK, OK, OK... I am like the BIGGEST most huge-est fanatical fan of The Muppet Show. My favorite attraction at Disney's California Adventure in So-Cal is Muppet 3D. No joke. OMG, OMG, OMG! Jim Henson roooOOOOOOoooolz! Past tense -- R.I.P., Jim.
OK... I'm back, back to reality. I'll put that little outburst behind me. But seriously, I'm 34 and love The Muppet Show.
Insurgents Ask for Patience in Iraq War
BAGHDAD - Sunni insurgents took to the airwaves Tuesday with an appeal for patience in the Iraq war. Slowed by a heightened security effort in and around the capital of Baghdad, insurgents have been forced in recent weeks to curtail attacks on innocent civilians, Iraqi police and coalition forces."It's the off season right now," insurgent Barzan Yassin says in the grainy internet video, "but that's been nice because we've been able to regroup. Obviously, we won't lose sight of our objective: the death of every Shiite dog and American pig-dog in Iraq, praise Allah."
Sunni insurgents have grown increasingly concerned that Iraqis would start returning to work and sending their children to school again since a troop surge flooded the capital with Iraqi security personnel and U.S. soldiers, but Yassin sought to ease those concerns.
"We are like roaches," he said, "waiting for the infidels to leave. When you send your children to school, we are following them with bombs. When you send your women to market, we are following them with bombs. So ... I guess what you can take away from this is we are waiting and following with lots of bombs."
Despite the tougher conditions for insurgents like Yassin, Iraq still offers opportunities, although those opportunities in Baghdad are fewer than before.
"It's certainly harder," Yassin said, "no question about it. It used to be I could walk right up to a crowd with an AK-47 or throw a grenade in a taxi, but now with so many eyes on us it's hard. I won't lie to you."
TAGS: Democrats, George Bush, Iraq, Insurgency, Satire, Humor, Comedy, Funny, Parody, Politics, Liberal, Conservative
Joke of the Day
"It's March Madness. I know people go crazy for this. ... It's the time of year when college basketball teams are eliminated faster than U.S. attorneys." --Bill Maher"In a stunning new poll in Time magazine, Hillary Clinton's lead has dropped from 19 points over Barack Obama to just seven points. She's now blaming it on a vast left-wing conspiracy."
"We've had unseasonably warm weather here in Los Angeles. I was sweating like Newt Gingrich watching 'Cheaters.'" --Jay Leno
"According to a transcript of a U.S. military tribunal released Wednesday, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed admitted to planning the 9/11 attack, saying, 'I was responsible for the 9/11 operation from A to Z.' He then politely asked the interviewer to kindly remove the curling iron from his butt." --Seth Meyers
TAGS: Bill Maher, Jay Leno, Seth Meyers, Jokes, Political Humor, Funny, Late-Night, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton
Another Sunni Insurgent Voted Off Iraqi Idol
BAGHDAD - On Sunday Qassim al-Hiyali became the latest Sunni insurgent to be voted off of Iraqi Idol. Viewers were apparently uninspired by al-Hiyali's Arabic rendition of Bobby Brown's "My Prerogative." al-Hiyali received just 14 votes, 13 short of the 27 votes Sunday's winner, the anonymous Shiite death squad leader in the black mask, received for Lionel Richie's "Running With the Night." Show creator Simon Fuller, also the man behind the American version, thinks Iraqi Idol is beginning to catch on with viewers.
"TVs are everywhere in Iraq," Fuller said, "but most of them are still booby trapped. That, and electricity is usually out at night, so we've had to move prime time programming to 3PM. That's not a big problem, really, since most Iraqis are either disabled or unemployed."
It comes as no surprise that a Lionel Richie song took top honors in this week's competition. Richie is wildly popular in Iraq. His "All Night Long (All Night)" has been an Iraqi Top 40 hit since its release in 1983.
"I knew I would kill them all," the anonymous Shiite death squad leader in the blask mask said of his performance. "I mean, really, going with Lionel Richie is a no-brainer, right? And when I heard that godless Sunni goat murdering Bobby Brown's song I was like 'OK, this is over. Cha-ching.'"
This was the anonymous Shiite death squad leader's third win this season. With the other contestants regularly disappearing shortly before taping, he is now the odds-on favorite to advance to the next round.
"By the grace of God," he said, "I will survive."
Donald Trump Says Iraq War Worse Than His Hair
Even Donald Trump thinks the Bush administration is a complete disaster. Why does it matter what Donald Trump thinks? Well, it doesn't matter to me, but I know Donald is/was respected by many Fox NEWS viewers who took his side in the Rosie O'Donnell-Trump feud that heated up earlier this year.
In case you've been away from television for a while, Rosie -- who's openly homosexual, and if that's not scandalous enough, a liberal -- doesn't like The Donald. Because Fox NEWS doesn't like Rosie and their coverage of her reflected their disdain, they started covering Donald in a more favorable way. Perhaps that will change now that he, too, is out of the closet, at least as far as his disdain for George Bush is concerned.
Fox NEWS: The 2 Minutes News Hour
This is funnier than the actual show. I think I'll just watch this.
Bill Maher on Civil Liberties
I'm not a huge Bill Maher fan, but this was funny.
So ... 1/3 is bigger than 1/4? Wow, I learned something new today.
Tony Blair Meets Catherine Tate
Am I bovvered? Do I look bovvered?
Blair must have a pretty good sense of humor to be willing to do this. I don't know who the woman is, but she got me laughing.
Rove Claims He Was Working Undercover When Plame Leaked His Name to Press
Karl Rove, the president's top political adviser, broke his silence Saturday, claiming he was working undercover at the time former CIA officer Valerie Plame leaked his identity to the press. Rove claims the leak not only damaged his ability to perform covert work for the government, but that it put the careers of dozens of other White House operatives at risk as well."This heinous act cannot go unpunished," Rove told a House committee on Friday. He contended that his name and job "were carelessly and recklessly abused" by Plame. Although she and her colleagues knew that "I might be exposed and threatened by federal investigators," he said, "it was a terrible irony that an intelligence official was the one who destroyed my cover."
Rove provided the most detailed account to date of the leak that he said jeapardized national security.
"I am here to say I was a covert officer of the White House," Rove told House members, a horde of journalists and a few paid supporters.
"We love you, Charles!" said Rove supporter and aspiring actress Jacqueline Dubois, in Washington to interview for a Colgate commercial. "Charles Rave is a true American hero, and that Plume b*tch should be ashamed of herself."
Fox NEWS Reporter Befriends Kitten
FOX NEWS FLASH: When cats make that gutteral angry noise, put them down.
COLBERT & COLBERTO: Stephen Habla Espanol, and Performs Kung Fu
Esteban Colberto es mi nuevo heroe. Tengo gusto de el mucho!
Bush used to head to Mexico and Central America to score points with his weak ability to slaughter the Spanish language. Now, on his trips south he's dodging hurled chicken carcasses and being burned in effigy. Crap santo!
Bush Creates Department of Faulty Intelligence
Names Author James Frey as ChiefIn response to what he called a “significant increase in the amount of misinformation about our enemies,” President George W. Bush today announced that he was establishing a new Cabinet-level agency devoted solely to faulty intelligence.
By creating the Department of Faulty Intelligence, Mr. Bush said, “The United States will be able to respond swiftly and preemptively to false threats before they don’t develop.”
The President said that while the CIA and the NSA had both collected faulty intelligence in the past, “there is simply too much misinformation out there for those two agencies to handle.”
Mr. Bush said that he hoped that the Department of Faulty Intelligence would not only increase the United States’ capacity to collect false leads and red herrings, but that it would also help coordinate the sharing of useless information among the U.S.’s various spy agencies. Andy Borowitz: Read more here...
Obama Raised by Muslim Extremists to Lie
Finally! News in the "Is Barack Obama a Terrorist Sympathizer" case. According to breaking news reported today by Vietnam War dodging Brit Hume of Fox NEWS, Obama, despite his protestations, was a practicing Muslim. GASP!
What does it mean? It means...
1) Barack Obama is a pathological liar, and
2) he WAS a Muslim, probably still is as a matter of fact, probably beats his wife and has a shrine in his bedroom to his namesake, Osama bin Laden The Great.
I think I've mentioned this before, but I went to elementary school in Hawaii. It was a Catholic school, St. Patrick's, and in class from first through fifth grade I was always one of just a handful of caucasian kids. Some of my classmates were first generation Japanese and Chinese, among others, and some of them -- brace yourself -- weren't even Catholic.
Why, then, would they attend a Catholic school? Well, because it was a good school. That's why. It provided a good education in a safe environment. I thought it was a wonderful school.
So, is Barack Obama lying when he says he has never been a Muslim despite his having attended a Muslim school in Indonesia as a young child? I don't know. I doubt it. He has no reason to lie since being a Muslim isn't a crime. But if you ask Brit Hume of Fox News it sounds like he thinks it is.
Joke of the Day
"This week President Bush concluded his eight-day tour of South and Central America, and he was greeted by throngs of rabid admirers. The guy ignites more passion down there than the Virgin Mary on a piece of toast." --Stephen Colbert"During a recent campaign speech, Barack Obama complimented his opponent John Edwards by calling him 'kind of cute'. Then he said that Hillary Clinton has a really great personality." --Conan O'Brien
"The head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Peter Pace, now says he regrets what he said about gays in the military. He's now blaming it on his two head speechwriters Tim Hardaway and Isaiah Washington." --Jay Leno
"According to a recent poll, anti-American sentiment is running high in Mexico. Half of Mexico's population say they have a negative view of the United States and the other half are already here." --Jay Leno
THE DAILY SHOW: Chris Dodd’s MySpace Page
Funny thing is ... Chris Dodd really does have a MySpace page.
The first thing I saw when I pulled it up was:
Awesome! Chris is in your extended network
This is just weird. When you open a U.S. Senator's MySpace page and see "Male, 62 years old."
Cool! It says Chris has 282 MySpace friends, kids like Tim, Snickers, Scotty Bear, 00kevin and gMang. The presidential campaign is smokin' now!
"One of the great things about the internet is because of sites like MySpace and YouTube," Chris says in his Bio section, "the financial barrier to communicate on a mass scale is essentially nothing." Nothing -- that's essentially what Senator Dodd is doing with his MySpace page. He hasn't posted a blog entry in, like, days!
Attorney General Put in Charge of U.S. Forces in Iraq
WASHINGTON - In a show of support for embattled Attorney General Alberto "Gonzo" Gonzales, President Bush on Thursday placed U.S. forces in Iraq under the attorney general's command."He gets the job done," Bush said, "and he won't let no one tell him what he can and can't do. Laws? See, what good are laws when bloodthirsty terrorists are out to murder your children and destroy God's country and your theme parks and sh*t? You answer me that."
Some in Washington speculated that Bush would ask the attorney general to resign after news broke late last week that Gonzales and other government officials conspired to fire unfriendly U.S. attorneys.
"Try as he might," Bush said, "Dick can't get rid of 'em all [attorneys] himself."
With even less experience leading soldiers in battle than he had practicing law before his appointment to the attorney general's post, Gonzales will have his hands full leading troops in Iraq. The country is in the midst of a bloody sectarian war and a desperate troop surge to stem violence in the capital of Baghdad.
"Just point me to the personnel office and tell me who to fire," Gonzales said Friday at a press conference to announce his new role. "Iraq is no different than Texas. Both have millions of religious extremists, hot weather and too many firearms, so I think I'm perfect for the job. I'm not saying it will be easy. I'm sure it'll be torture, but torture doesn't bother me at all."