Bumbling Ragtag Regiment Achieves Heartwarming Victory In Iraq

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BAGHDAD—The war in Iraq came to a sudden, complete, and ultimately heartwarming end after the U.S. Army's hapless 115th Regiment defeated the insurgent forces in what military observers are terming a startling victory for the war's most notorious underdog unit.

"I hereby announce the cessation of hostilities in the country of Iraq," said the head of U.S. Central Command, Gen. John Abizaid, grudgingly singling out the ragtag bunch of misfits at a press conference Monday. "In all my years of military experience, I've never seen a sorrier group of bumbling, no-good, dangerously incompetent yahoos as the 115th. But, against my better judgment, and in recognition of their valor, courage, hijinks, and hilarity, I'm nominating each of these lovable bastards for the Congressional Medal of Honor."

Despite a record of egregious tactical errors, a high rate of friendly-fire deaths, and an official classification as "dishonorable dingbats," the 115th Light Infantry Regiment—or "Walters' Wombats," as they were known throughout southern Iraq—sent troop morale soaring in the occupied territories after they wiped out a group of enemy combatants in the insurgent-controlled suburbs of Baghdad last week.

"These were the last kids anybody expected to win the U.S. military mission in Iraq, or anything else, for that matter," said Sgt. Matthew Walters, the regiment's commanding officer. "[Spc. Charlie] Bartowsky ate so many hot dogs, he couldn't even fit inside his Hummer, [Lance Cpl.] Novak's thick glasses kept falling off whenever he had to disarm a mine, and of course, wisecracking [Pfc. Albert] Peterman was killed by sniper fire."

"All I know is I had to finally put down the booze and get my career back on track, because, sorry as I was, I happened to be the only one who believed in them," Walters added. "Otherwise, they were all going back in body bags, for sure."

• February 28, 2007