Joke of the Day
"President Bush's approval rating has dropped to an all-time low of 28%. Here's my question: Is 28% still technically an approval rating?" --Jay Leno
"It's a beautiful day. Or, as Al Gore calls it, the last gasp of a dying planet." --David Letterman
"But with months until the primaries, there's only so much dirt you can dig up on these people. We already know that Barack Obama went to a radical madrasa and that Dennis Kucinich's paternal grandfather was the Lorax." --Stephen Colbert
"Help is on the way, people -- Dick Cheney in a secret surprise visit. The vice president put on his Sunday best and arrived in Baghdad under cover of darkness. Now I know it appeared to be in the middle of the day, but Cheney, as you know, always brings his own cover of darkness. It's like Pig-Pen, but instead of dirt, followed by an intangible void." --Jon Stewart
"My favorite part of the debate was when Chris Matthews asked, 'Who does not believe in evolution?' And Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee and Tom Tancredo all raised their paw. ... They said they do not believe in evolution. Then they said the biggest threat to America is religious radicals living in the Dark Ages. " --Jay Leno
"This is the week that Congress sent the president a bill to bring the troops home, which, of course, as he promised he would do, vetoed it. The president said setting a deadline for withdrawal was setting a date for failure. And we all know, this is a president who likes his failures unplanned and spur-of-the-moment." --Bill Maher
"Because of Barack Obama's immense popularity, he has already been given Secret Service protection. ... Poor Joe Biden. Did you see what he got? A can of a mace and a pen knife." --Jay Leno
"Time Magazine released its list of the '100 Most Influential People in the World.' President Bush is not on the list. However, supermodel Kate Moss is. I guess the scary part is that Katie Moss actually has a better plan for getting us out of Iraq" --Jay Leno
"You all know who Nancy Pelosi is, right? She's the second most powerful woman in the country, right behind the D.C. madam." --Jay Leno
"When the Associated Press asked all the candidates what their dream job would be if they couldn't be president, New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson said his dream job would be center fielder for the New York Yankees. Joe Biden said he wanted to be an architect. And Dennis Kucinich said his dream is to grow up and one day become a real, live boy" --Jay Leno
"President Bush vetoed the Iraq troop withdrawal bill. He said it would turn the country into a cauldron of chaos. And you hate to see Iraq become unstable." --David Letterman
"And my concern, David, is several." --George W. Bush, to NBC's David Gregory, Washington, D.C., April 3, 2007
"Four years ago today, President Bush gave his Iraq victory speech in front of the 'Mission Accomplished' banner. Well, I'm glad that's all behind us." --David Letterman
"Politicians having sex with prostitutes? What's the matter? All of a sudden, congressional pages aren't good enough anymore?" --David Letterman
"Tobias was the guy who Bush put in charge of promoting abstinence ... and chastity in places like the Mideast. He was also the CEO of the company that makes Cialis. ... So, it sounds like he was caught between Iraq and a hard place" --Jay Leno
"That's what makes this country great. The fact that thousands of Mexican people march in a state with an Austrian governor waving American flags made in China." --Jay Leno
"To comply with the bank's conflict of interest policy, Wolfowitz had Riza transferred to the State Department, given a $60,000 raise, a promotion, and guaranteed positive performance reviews ... to avoid conflict of interest. What's next? Bombing the s**t out of a country in order to help it?"--Jon Stewart
"When the White House heard about this scandal, they were relieved. Finally, a Republican caught in a sex scandal with a woman." --Jay Leno
"The Georgetown branch of the Washington, D.C., public library caught on fire today. The White House said at no time was President Bush in any danger." --Jay Leno
"There were seven candidates up there. Seven and a half if you count woodland creature Dennis Kucinich." --Stephen Colbert
"San Francisco is terrific. It's a unique place. It's the only city in the world where marijuana is legal, but plastic bags are not. ... Everyone here is so nice and welcoming. Even Mayor Gavin Newsom sent me flowers. When I tried to thank him, he said, 'They're for your wife'" --Conan O'Brien
"How about that Rosie O'Donnell thing? She has left 'The View' and is rumored to be hiding in the mountainous region of Afghanistan." --David Letterman
"Yesterday, down in Washington, DC, it was Malaria Awareness Day. Here's the sad part ... a confused President Bush sent 20,000 troops to Malaria" --David Letterman
"Yesterday, President Bush visited a school in New York City. Before his visit, the city filled in all the potholes near the school. Not only that, before the president's visit, the school hid all the sharp objects and covered the electric sockets with plastic protectors." --Conan O'Brien
"Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey's ex-wife says that up until he announced he was gay, they had 'normal' sex. Apparently, Mrs. McGreevey defines 'normal' sex as sex where she has to wear a Justin Timberlake mask" --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush sent out an e-mail today asking people to send money to the Republican Party. How come those e-mails never get deleted?" --Jay Leno
"Yahoo announced they're going to host the first ever online presidential debate. Why Yahoo? Why not on a eBay? Candidates end up going to the highest bidder anyway" --Jay Leno
"New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg is busy. He says he wants to copy an anti-poverty program that is currently used in Mexico. Apparently, Mexico has a great anti-poverty program. It's called 'a bus ticket to Los Angeles.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Congratulations to presidential candidate Joe Biden, who has increased his poll numbers from one percent to two percent. ... Is that a big deal? Two percent? ... The margin of error is what ... three percent?" --Jay Leno
"I got myself a new computer this week. I got the Alberto Gonzales Dell computer. Have you seen this one? It destroys your e-mails and has no memory." --Jay Leno
"Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich introduced articles of impeachment against Vice President Dick Cheney. Do you know what would happen if Cheney was impeached? George Bush would become acting president." --Jay Leno
"There was a prison riot in Indianapolis today. Over 35 former congressmen were involved." --Jay Leno
"Earlier today, President Bush met with the president of Peru. When the Peruvian president invited Bush to visit Machu Picchu, Bush said, 'Great, I love Pokemon.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Really, President Bush? You think [the Gonzales testimony] went well? Which part? Because the best thing anyone can say about Gonzales' testimony was that he didn't use the word 'nappy,' and he remembered to wear pants." --Amy Poehler
"In his testimony yesterday, Alberto Gonzales admitted the firing of U.S. attorneys was mishandled. He said it was mishandled, but he was only marginally involved." --Jay Leno
"Sanjaya was voted off 'American Idol.' ... Experts say that America wasn't going to vote for a guy who spends that much time on his hair ... which is more really bad news for John Edwards." --Jay Leno
"I'm not saying Alberto Gonzales is in trouble, but today Sanjaya said, 'Get rid of him.' ... A new study says that heart disease is related to erectile dysfunction. No wonder Dick Cheney's been so grumpy all the time." --Jay Leno
"After weeks of mock testimony, there you have it. Alberto Gonzales doesn't know what happened, but he assures you, what he doesn't remember was handled properly." --Jon Stewart
"While you folks were applauding, John Edwards raised another $3 million for haircuts. ... John Edwards ... is trying to show folks he is a hawk. Today he declared a war on split ends." --David Letterman
"Campaign records now reveal that John Edwards is using his campaign money to get $400 haircuts in Beverly Hills. ... He said he only went to the expensive stylist because they are friends. Friends? What kind of friend charges $400 for a haircut?" --Jay Leno
"Presidential candidate Tommy Thompson, the former governor of Wisconsin, is speaking to a Jewish group ... and says to them, 'For the first time in my life I'm earning money, which is part of the Jewish tradition.' Then he apologized with, 'I'm sorry. ... I'm so sorry. That's the speech I was supposed to give in front of the Muslim group'" --Jay Leno
"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." --George W. Bush, in Oct.. 2000
"The weather back East continues to be terrible. They've had so much rain in my home state of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney now claims he went hunting with a spear gun." --Jay Leno
"Mitt Romney has announced that his son Tagg Romney has joined the campaign. No word from the other kids -- Skip, Jump Rope, and See Saw." --Jay Leno
"President Bush picked [Iraq war architect Paul] Wolfowitz to head the World Bank in 2005. His mission? Use its mighty financial resources to raise the living standards of people around the world. His first beneficiary? Well, his girlfriend. Last week it was disclosed that Wolfowitz had used his influence to get a promotion and a raise for his long-time paramour, World Bank employee Shaha Ali Riza -- considered to be a foremost expert on the Middle East. Which means, you know what they say, opposites attract." --Jon Stewart
"Presidential candidate John Edwards said regarding the Imus scandal that he believes in forgiveness. Imus called Edwards to thank him and ask if he knew any radio jobs in that other America." --Jay Leno
"The Bush administration on Wednesday extended the tours of Army troops in Iraq by three months, increasing their stay to a total of 15 months. Troops responded to the news, saying, 'I'm gay.'" --Amy Poehler
"Meteorologists believe the storm actually started in Washington. What happened was the hot air from Congress mixed with the cold chill from the White House. ... It was a powerful storm. The White House said that the storm destroyed over 10 million e-mails. ... They call this storm a Nor'easter. Which really confused President Bush. He heard a Nor'easter was coming and said, 'Great. Let's get the eggs out again.'" --Jay Leno
"I mean, there needs to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children.--George W. Bush, the second presidential debate, Oct. 11, 2000
"A consumer watchdog group says there should be a box to check on your ballot if you want a dollar of your taxes to fight crime instead of going to presidential candidates. Which I think is a great idea. I mean, every time you take a buck away from a politician, you're fighting crime right there." -Jay Leno
"Former Wisconsin Governor Tommy Thompson has announced he is running for president of the United States. Experts are saying this announcement could have absolutely no affect on the race whatsoever." -Jay Leno
"Do you believe the weather around the country? It was snowing in Washington. It was so white, people thought the Republicans were back in charge. It was so cold in Georgia that Newt Gingrich had another affair just so he could stay warm." --Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards, as well as a number of other Democratic candidates, say they the will not participate in a presidential debate next month, because the debate is on Fox News and Fox News is biased. How are you going to stand up to terrorists when you're afraid of Fox News?" --Jay Leno
"Democratic Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi went to Syria, and she said she found some common ground to talk about with the Syrians. I guess they told each other Bush jokes for a few hours." --Jay Leno
"Congratulations to Hillary Clinton. ... She raised $26 million. Which is kind of risky, you know. If she ends up with too much money, she may have to run as a Republican." --Jay Leno
"Rudy Giuliani says the press can attack him all they want, but they should lay off his wife. Giuliani added, 'I just mean this wife. It's open season on the first two.'" --Conan O'Brien
A country doctor is suturing a laceration on the hand of an old farmer. Old man: "All you need to know about politics is that George Bush is a post turtle." Doctor: "Oh? What is a post turtle?" Old man: "When yer driving down a country road, and ya come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? That's a post turtle. Ya know he didn't get there by himself, he don't belong there, he cain't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help take the poor thang down." --Unknown
"Mitt Romney stunned everybody by raising $23 million ... all in small donations. Apparently, he got one dollar from every Osmond." --Jay Leno
"Giuliani said he wants to make it clear he is not in favor of gay marriage. He believes marriage should be between a man and a woman, no matter how many times it takes them to get it right" --Jay Leno
"Tom Tancredo has thrown his hat into the presidential ring ... after talking it over with his family. But even members of his own family were goin', 'Who are you again?'" --Jay Leno
"The 15 British hostages ... say they were well-treated and not tortured. The hostages said, 'Not once were we forced to eat British food.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Circuit City has announced it is laying off 4,300 workers. You know whose decision it was to fire these people? Attorney General Alberto Gonzales." --Jay Leno
"Al Gore had a birthday over the weekend. I don't want to say Al Gore has gained a couple of pounds, but I understand that at the party they had a cake jump out of an even bigger cake." --Jay Leno
"Iran is currently holding 15 British sailors hostage. The United Nations has told Iran the world is united against them. So now the Iranians knows how we feel." --Jay Leno
Ancient Republican Proverb: Teach a man to light a fire and he will be warm forever. But throw him into the fire and he will never again complain about being cold. -- Unknown
"Some people still love him [Bush]. He also spoke this week at the Cattlemen's Beef Association. They love him, but then again, they're used to being knee-deep in bulls**t." --Bill Maher
"We have a lot of problems over there in the Middle East. Iran is not giving back those British sailors that they snatched from the Persian Gulf. They released a new video today. It's kind of grainy and hard to make out what's going on. But it has British people in it, so it's up for six Oscars." --Bill Maher
"Actor and former U.S. Senator Fred Thompson, the guy from "Law and Order," ... is thinking of running. He's only been married twice. By Republican standards, that would make him the family values candidate." --Jay Leno
"Sunday is April Fools' Day. Or, as they call it in Washington, Presidents' Day." --Jay Leno
Al Gore, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush go to heaven, and God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies: "Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now." God thinks for a second and says: "Very good. Come and sit at my left." God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill Replies: "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me." God thinks for a second and says: "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right." Then God addresses George. "George, what do you believe in?" He replies: "I believe you're in my chair."
"So Congress and the White House headed for a standoff. Neither side willing to give an inch. What's an occupying country to do? Democratic Senator Mark Pryor has the answer, proposing that we pick a withdrawal date but keep it a secret. That way, when we withdraw, the enemy will just be confused." --Jon Stewart
"McDonald's has a new hamburger out. The one-third of a pound hamburger. ... I'm not saying it will clog your arteries, but they're calling it the McCheney." --Jay Leno
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?" Bush says, "We're planning to invade Iran. And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Iranians and one bicycle repairman." The guy exclaims, "A bicycle repairman!!! Why kill a bicycle repairman?" Bush turns to Cheney, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, dummy! I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Iranians!" -- Unknown
"Did you see this today about Barack Obama? Genealogy research has revealed that Obama's great-great-grandfather was born in Ireland. Oh great, now he won't be Irish enough for people." --Bill Maher
"Alberto Gonzales still fighting for his life. Bush said this week that Gonzales has his full support and he has no plans to fire him. Of course, he made that statement in front of a big sign that said 'Adios Amigo.'" --Bill Maher
"At a Washington museum, a new exhibit is about to open that features a first-grade report card of President Bush's where he received straight A's. This sounds impressive, but President Bush was 23 at the time." --Conan O'Brien
"In what he called an emotional return to Congress, Al Gore on Wednesday testified before a House committee that climate change poses a crisis that threatens civilization. Then he hung around in the parking lot and told people he used to go here." --Seth Meyers
"Sources at the Pentagon say that several factories in Iraq will soon begin making clothes to be sold in the United States. Yeah, because Americans only want two things from Iraq -- a stable, central government and affordable, quality menswear" --Conan O'Brien
"I love when they say this is a constitutional crisis. Oh, please. We haven't used the Constitution in years." --Jay Leno, on the U.S. attorney firing scandal
FAVORITE ---> "Indicted Republican congressman Tom DeLay, who was forced to resign last year, sys in his new book that he used to cheat on his wife all the time and get drunk. He said that 20 years ago he was a self-centered a 'self-centered jerk.' That's all changed now. Now he's just a disgraced politician. Huge improvement." -Jay Leno
"He said that in the future our energy sources will work similar to how the Internet works today. Really? So our cars would run on porn?" --Jay Leno
"It's March Madness. I know people go crazy for this. ... It's the time of year when college basketball teams are eliminated faster than U.S. attorneys." --Bill Maher
"In a stunning new poll in Time magazine, Hillary Clinton's lead has dropped from 19 points over Barack Obama to just seven points. She's now blaming it on a vast left-wing conspiracy." --Unknown
"We've had unseasonably warm weather here in Los Angeles. I was sweating like Newt Gingrich watching 'Cheaters.'" --Jay Leno
"According to a transcript of a U.S. military tribunal released Wednesday, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed admitted to planning the 9/11 attack, saying, 'I was responsible for the 9/11 operation from A to Z.' He then politely asked the interviewer to kindly remove the curling iron from his butt." --Seth Meyers
"This week President Bush concluded his eight-day tour of South and Central America, and he was greeted by throngs of rabid admirers. The guy ignites more passion down there than the Virgin Mary on a piece of toast." --Stephen Colbert
"During a recent campaign speech, Barack Obama complimented his opponent John Edwards by calling him 'kind of cute'. Then he said that Hillary Clinton has a really great personality." --Conan O'Brien
"The head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Peter Pace, now says he regrets what he said about gays in the military. He's now blaming it on his two head speechwriters Tim Hardaway and Isaiah Washington." --Jay Leno
"According to a recent poll, anti-American sentiment is running high in Mexico. Half of Mexico's population say they have a negative view of the United States and the other half are already here." --Jay Leno
"Thirty towns in Vermont have voted to impeach President Bush, but Bush says he doesn't care what a bunch of Canadians think." --Jay Leno
"In a speech in South Carolina, presidential candidate Joe Biden says he has a plan for Iraq, he can solve the problem and it's time to make a change. And then the kid at the counter said, 'Uh mister, do you want fries with this?'" --Jay Leno
"Beautiful, beautiful day in New York City. ... It was so nice that Ann Coulter was insulting gays in the park." --David Letterman
"President Bush visited a Mayan temple this weekend in Guatemala, and afterwards ... Mayan leaders performed a cleansing ceremony to clear Bush's bad energy. ... When he heard this, Bush got upset and said, 'Oh yeah? He who smelt it, dealt it.'" --Conan O'Brien
"The USA was ready for a retarded president; why wouldn't it be ready for an African American president?" --Chris Rock
"Halliburton is moving its headquarters to Dubai to avoid paying taxes in the United States. Isn't that crazy -- when did Halliburton start paying taxes?" --Jay Leno
"If you want to get rid of an attorney, you don't use Gonzales, you bring in Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno
"The mainstream media is having a conniption over the revelation that eight U.S. attorneys were fired by the Bush administration last year. Big whoop! I thought everyone in Washington wanted to spend more time with their families anyway" --Stephen Colbert
"While in Mexico, President Bush visited the ruins of an ancient Mayan city. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, 'We will get the evil-doers who did this.'" --Conan O'Brien
"The president is ... on a five-nation tour of Latin America. A lot of people are saying while he's below the border, what a great time to build that wall." --Bill Maher
"To give you an idea of how popular he is not ... in South America, he's going to visit on Monday the sacred Mayan ruins, and after he leaves the Mayan priests are going to perform a purification ceremony ... to get rid of the bad spirits. ... And if it works there, they're going to try it in Iraq, New Orleans, Guantanamo Bay, Ground Zero and the atmosphere of the planet Earth." --Bill Maher
"The Boston Globe is saying that Barack Obama owes $375 in parking tickets from when he was a student in the '80s at Harvard. And because he's running for president, he's going to pay them. All right, is he black enough for ya now?" --Bill Maher
"Why aren't we hearing the other side of this issue? Yes, there is tons of black mold growing in the walls where we house our wounded soldiers. But nobody mentions, mold can be used to make cheese ... and penicillin. You might say Walter Reed's walls are dripping with medicine." --Jon Stewart
"Obviously, this has come at a bad time for the White House. Usually, you want the conviction of a high-ranking official and the veterans-sleeping-in-moldy-rat-holes stories on different days." --Jon Stewart
"The man who lied to the FBI about whether the president secretly declassified files so the vice president could pass the identity of an undercover CIA agent to reporters so as to discredit the woman's husband, who had presented evidence undermining the president's case for war, has been ... what are we talking about again?" --Jon Stewart
"The president has said no one supports the troops more than him. So, if you take him at his word -- and I see no reason not to -- anyone leaving the army is necessarily going into a less supportive environment, and that can't be an easy transition. ... These shoddy conditions are a halfway house, so that soldiers can get accustomed to their terrifying, new Bushless world. You just can't throw them back to their family and friends, where God knows what will happen to them. You need to ease them into it with six months to a year of squalid aftercare in some type of bureaucratic limbo" --Daily Show correspondent John Oliver
"In the Valerie Plame case, Scooter Libby was found not guilty ... on one of the five charges. ... But the media is instead focusing, of course, on the four counts of perjury, lying to the FBI and obstruction of justice for which Libby was convicted. It's typical. They always see the glass as 80% guilty." --Stephen Colbert
"Why aren't we hearing the other side of this issue? Yes, there is tons of black mold growing in the walls where we house our wounded soldiers. But nobody mentions, mold can be used to make cheese ... and penicillin. You might say Walter Reed's walls are dripping with medicine." --Jon Stewart
"Afghanistan reported a record opium crop. I think that explains why Dick Cheney came back from his trip saying, 'Hey, they greeted us with flowers. And they blew my mind'." --Bill Maher
"In other slave-owning news this week ... one of Al Sharpton's ancestors was owned by one of Strom Thurmond's ancestors. But they sold him because his medallion kept getting caught in the cotton gin." --Bill Maher
"Another horrible day for the stock market. It went down another 100 points. In fact, the only company to make money was the Tennessee power company that sells electricity to Al Gore." --Jay Leno
"Republicans have been attacking Al for having this big electric bill, but Al Gore says his bill is higher than average because his house is bigger than average. It's a 20-room mansion -- you know, the kind of house you usually find a Republican living in." --Jay Leno
"Iran is going to build an island just for women who want to vacation. No men will be allowed. ... Which of course leads to the philosophical question: If something goes wrong, whose fault will it be?" -Jay Leno
"According to the Taliban, Osama bin Laden is alive. But they said if he dies, he'd now like to be buried in the Bahamas." --Jay Leno
"Big news from the 2008 presidential campaign. Last night, Senator John McCain -- right here on this program -- announced he's running for president. And then today, he shaved his head and checked into rehab." --David Letterman
"James Cameron, film director, claims he has discovered the tomb of Christ. I just hope this doesn't lead to a court battle in Florida. ... Who would have guessed they found Jesus before bin Laden?" --David Letterman
"Vice President Dick Cheney is safely back in Washington after an attempt was made on his life in Afghanistan. The Taliban denied they were trying to kill the vice president. They now claim it was just a hunting accident." --Jay Leno
"Last night on Fox, huge premiere of its new show 'Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader.' Or, as President Bush calls it, 'Jeopardy'" --Jay Leno
"Funny story about Cheney's trip. An electrical glitch grounded his usual plane, Air Force II, forcing him to fly on a C-17 dubbed -- and I'm not kidding -- 'The Spirit of Strom Thurmond.' As you know, 'The Spirit of Strom Thurmond' is a white plane, but guess which hanger it likes to park in when no one's watching?" --Jon Stewart
"According to a report by this genealogist, Al Sharpton's ancestors were slaves once owned by Strom Thurmond's relatives. Now Al Sharpton wants a DNA test to see if they are related. And you know, somehow, this is going to end up that Strom Thurmond is the the father of Anna Nicole's baby." --Jay Leno
"How many of you have money in the stock market? Not anymore. ... At one point today, the market was down over 500 points. ... The drop started after the attempted assassination on Vice President Dick Cheney. See that's when the investors realized that if anything happened to him, President Bush would be in charge." --Jay Leno
"Mitt Romney says he plans to differentiate himself from President Bush with a single word -- 'intelligence.' ... When he heard this, President Bush said, 'Intelligence? That's two words.'" --Conan O'Brien
"You can tell it's campaign time. In an effort to get the support of the Service Employees Union, Hillary Clinton has agreed to spend the day working as a nurse. Hillary Clinton as a nurse? That sounds like the plot of the worst porno film ever made." --Jay Leno
"Last night, Helen Mirren won an Oscar for her role in 'The Queen.' And now, the real Queen of England has invited her to have tea at Buckingham Palace. Meanwhile, President Bush has extended a similar invitation to Larry the Cable Guy." --Conan O'Brien
"The U.S. government has hired several psychics to help find Osama bin Laden. So far the psychics haven't been able to locate bin Laden, but they do predict soon he'll find true love." --Conan O'Brien
"I was listening to the news in the back. This just in: President Bush just promised we will be out of the Academy Awards by 2010" --David Letterman
"Presidential candidate Tom Vilsack ... has dropped out of the presidential race. Experts say it's because he failed to attract a very important demographic group when you're running for president -- people." --Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton's campaign wants Barack Obama to publicly renounce Hollywood producer David Geffen's statement attacking the Clintons. ... Geffen said, 'I know everyone in politics has to lie, but the Clintons do it with such ease, it's troubling.' I think that's an unfair statement. Just because you're really good at something doesn't mean it's easy." --Jay Leno
"Monday was Presidents' Day, and as expected, President Bush was up at the crack of dawn, ready to open presents." --Amy Poehler
"Condoleezza Rice insists the coalition is still intact. But you know Condi -- Bush could walk into the Oval Office naked and she'd say, 'Nice tie.'" --Bill Maher
"Three large balloons were floated above the Pentagon this past weekend, as the U.S. Defense Department tested its chemical and biological weapon defenses. So, rest easy America. In case of an attack, we've got three large balloons." --Seth Meyers
"It's hard to believe the No. 1 story, bigger than Iraq, Iran, the social life of Britney Spears, is still Anna Nicole Smith. CNN has officially changed their name this week to CN-Anna." --Jimmy Kimmel
"He said the Iranians are sending weapons into Iraq. He's sure it's reliable intelligence, 'cause this time he was in the room when they made it up." --Bill Maher
"Congress is now trying to pass a bill that would require health insurers to cover more costs for the mentally ill. Once again, Congress looking out for themselves" --Jay Leno
"The House passed a non-binding resolution against the surge. Bush says he can't wait to get it to his imaginary desk and veto it with his air pen. He said, 'I've got my own non-binding resolution. It's called the United States Constitution.'" --Bill Maher
"Even in Washington, everybody's into Valentine's Day. In fact today, Vice President Dick Cheney shot Cupid in the face." --Jay Leno
"Supreme Court Justice Scalia's daughter was arrested in Illinois for DUI and child endangerment. She says she's gonna fight it all the way to the Supreme Court." --Jay Leno
"Al Gore will be speaking at this year's Democratic Convention -- or as we call it, the Oscars." --Jay Leno
"In the latest count, there are now 25 politicians running for president -- and 15 of them also claim to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby." --Jay Leno
"You all watch the Grammys last night? The Dixie Chicks won five Grammys. I don't want to say President Bush was upset, but today he tried to get the Supreme Court to overturn the ballot results. It only works once." --Jay Leno
"But the big story of the night was, of course, the Dixie Chicks, who won five awards. ... At first, I thought the Chicks were a little rude in the acceptance speech. They forgot to thank all the terrorists who made their artistic vision a reality." --Stephen Colbert
"Over the weekend, Senator Barack Obama announced he's running for president. ... Obama gave a speech in front of thousands of people in Iowa. During the speech, Obama pointed out his family in the crowd, which was unnecessary since he was in Iowa." --Conan O'Brien
"If Ralph Nader runs for president in 2008, it will make history. He will be the first person to ever run for president four times in the same suit." --Jay Leno
"Earlier today, Senator Barack Obama announced his candidacy for president. Upon hearing the news, Hillary Clinton punched a pillow so hard it turned into a diamond." --Amy Poehler
"In an ironic twist, while making a speech on global warming, Al Gore froze to death." --Amy Poehler
"This Sunday, February 11th, is a very important day in our nation's history. It is the one-year anniversary of Dick Cheney shooting an old man in the face. It is widely regarded as the greatest comedy event of the century. The AARP is using the occasion to remind seniors not to go hunting with the vice president. ... It could turn out to be the least damaging thing the Bush administration ever does." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Senator Joseph Lieberman said Tuesday that Congress should consider war on terrorism taxes. Or, as they are currently known, taxes." --Seth Meyers
"Presidential candidate Barack Obama says he's going to quit smoking. Which is good news for Hillary Clinton. Now that he's breathing down her neck, she won't have to worry about second-hand smoke." --Jay Leno
"The big rumor is that Al Gore might announce he's running for president at the Academy Awards. That will be a first. Someone at the Oscars talking about politics who actually knows what they are talking about." --Jay Leno
"This week a NASA astronaut attempted to kidnap another astronaut's girlfriend using a BB gun, mallet and pepper spray after driving 900 miles wearing a diaper. Which would all be amazing except that the Russians got a monkey to do it last year." --Conan O'Brien
"When she was arrested, she was carrying a wig, a steel mallet, some duct tape, and a knife. Or as OJ calls it, an overnight bag." --Jay Leno
"Of course, since this is America, people capitalize on these things . . . have you seen these? Huggies with the 'Astronaut fit?'" --Jay Leno
The astronaut love triangle. I love that one. NASA hasn't had this much press since they faked that moon-landing thing in the '60s." --Craig Ferguson
"Barack Obama now trying to quit smoking. ... He's now chewing nicotine gum. Today on the news, they showed him chewing the gum while walking. To which President Bush said, 'Show off.'" --Jay Leno
"You know the Oscars are still about three weeks away, and Al Gore has already eaten everything in his gift basket." --Jay Leno
"Ted Haggard, the minister who was caught with a gay prostitute, has just finished a three-week sex addiction program. He says he is now 'completely heterosexual.' Haggard says he will prove he is completely heterosexual by having sex only with men who are completely heterosexual" --Conan O'Brien
"There's a big scandal going on in San Francisco. The mayor there, Gavin Newsom, has admitted to having an affair with his campaign manager's wife. ... The mayor announced he will enter rehab for alcohol abuse. ... I think the only reason this guy's going into rehab is to meet Lindsay Lohan." --Jay Leno
"Congratulations to Vice President Al Gore. He has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Luckily for Gore, Florida does not vote on this one." --Jay Leno
"Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice predicted that the Colts would win [the Super Bowl]. Isn't that unbelievable -- a Bush administration victory announcement that actually came true?" --Jay Leno
"This week at a fashion show in Rome, a line of dresses were introduced that feature huge pictures of Hillary Clinton's face. When he heard this, Bill Clinton said, 'Finally, Hillary's face on another woman's body.'" --Conan O'Brien
"According to a new U.N. report, the global warming outlook is much worse than originally predicted. Which is pretty bad when they originally predicted it would destroy the planet." --Jay Leno
"President Bush has a plan. He says that if we need to, we can lower the temperature dramatically just by switching from Fahrenheit to Celsius" --Jimmy Kimmel, on fighting global warming
"President Bush spoke at the 55th Annual National Prayer Breakfast. President Bush said that he's prayed every single day since he took office. Hey, you're not the only one. Join the club." --Jay Leno
"Vice President Cheney lashed out at Hillary Clinton the other day. He said on CNN that he doesn't believe Hillary would be a good president. I can understand that. I mean, his administration has raised the bar so high." --Jay Leno
"Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards -- you know, the man who always says there are two Americas -- is moving into a brand new, $6 million, 28,000-square foot home on 102 acres. Well, I think we know which America he's living in." --Jay Leno
"Political experts say that Barack Obama drew record crowds in New Hampshire. Well sure, it's New Hampshire. They've never seen a black guy before." --Jay Leno
"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is now in Iraq. She made a surprise visit to Iraq. Well, you thought Bush wanted to bomb the place before. ... She didn't say how long she'd be staying in Iraq. President Bush said he was against setting any timetables for Pelosi to return. He said to bring her back prematurely would send the wrong message." --Jay Leno
"You know whose birthday it is today? Vice President Dick Cheney's. In fact, they even had a party for him. A lawyer jumped out of a cake and Cheney shot him." --Jay Leno
"It looks like the boys at San Quentin prison will soon be riding a scooter. Former Dick Cheney aide Scooter Libby now on trial for perjury. Perjury? If you're on trial for perjury, why do they even bother to make you promise to tell the whole truth?" --Jay Leno
"Congress began hearings today on the government's response to Hurricane Katrina. Today? They're just investigating Hurricane Katrina now? That's pretty sad, when the government's investigation of the government's slow response to Katrina is slower than the government's response to Katrina." --Jay Leno
"All the presidential candidates were very busy this weekend. John Edwards traveled over 500 miles, and that was just from his front door to his swimming pool." --Jay Leno
"President Bush announced he's creating 20,000 new jobs. They're all in Iraq." --Jay Leno
"President Bush wants to send in 20,000 more troops to Iraq because he believes we can stop the fighting. Stop the fighting in Iraq? We can't even stop the fighting between Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump." --Jay Leno
"The Washington Post is reporting that John Kerry is hiring staff and preparing another run for the White House. He's telling people he will not make the same mistakes again. This time, all new mistakes." --Jay Leno
"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has called for universal health care coverage for all Californians. He came up with this idea while falling down a hill in Idaho and breaking his leg." --Jay Leno
"Did you folks see the Golden Globes last night? ... You know who won? That Borat guy. He got up to say a few words. He was the whacky foreigner with the accent saying unintelligible things. No, that was Arnold Schwarzenegger." --David Letterman
"This week, a new swimsuit for Muslim women was introduced called the 'burqini,' which is a stylish water safe burka meant for swimming. The manufacturer says it's perfect for the Muslim woman who loves to swim, but hates being stoned to death." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush is still on the road trying to drum up support for his new Iraq program. Earlier today, he was on 'The View.' He was drunk. ... This time, Bush has an exit strategy for the Iraqi war. In January of 2009, he will escape to Crawford, Texas." --David Letterman
"As of today, the population of the United States has reached 300 million people. This is either attributed to a strong democracy or really weak border control." --Jay Leno
"President Bush's approval ratings are dipping into the 30s, while Mark Foley is dipping into the teens." --Jay Leno
"Now there are dozens of calls for House Speaker Dennis Hastert to step down. As you know, Hastert was a former gym teacher and boys' wrestling coach. To which Mark Foley said, 'Why would anybody quit a dream job like that?'." --Jay Leno
"President Bush says we need more time to determine if what (North Korea) detonated was a nuclear device. Well sure, that makes sense, because Bush doesn't want to rush to judgment when it comes to weapons of mass destruction." --David Letterman
"You got to give (Rumsfeld) credit it though. It might have taken him six years, but he finally came up with an exit strategy." --Jay Leno
"You know what GOP stands for? Going Out of Power." --Jay Leno
"Here in California, the voters overwhelmingly decided they do not want Arnold Schwarzenegger to ever make another movie." --Jay Leno
"Big, big win for the Democrats. Senator Hillary Clinton's overwhelming victory has fueled speculation that she will run for president in 2008. In other words, there was some good news for Republicans." --Conan O'Brien
"It's great to have Bill in the mix again. It puts conservatives back on the offensive. Now they can get back to doing what they do best [on screen: Fear Gay People]. Pointing out that everything wrong with this country is Bill Clinton's fault." --Stephen Colbert
"In Germany, the openly gay mayor of Berlin won re-election by a landslide. They said he may be now looking at a higher office. Germans are now debating if they are ready for a gay leader. Gay leader? You thought Hitler knew how to put on a parade." --Jay Leno
"The Senate has voted to approve the building of a 700-mile fence along the 2,000-mile border of Mexico. This is what happens when you let President Bush do the math." --Jay Leno
"Tomorrow at the White House, President Bush will pardon the turkey ... and today, Dick Cheney spent all day torturing it" --David Letterman
"According to our latest intelligence, Osama bin Laden is losing his influence and power. I didn't know he was a Republican." --Jay Leno
"President Bush's very busy. ... Yesterday, he went to Ho Chi Minh City. Unfortunately, when Bush addressed the crowd he said, 'Greetings, hoes.' Actually, this is the first time President Bush has visited Vietnam. ... Afterwards, the President said, 'It's nice here. I don't know what John McCain's talking about." --Conan O'Brien
"The Mark Foley scandal is causing repercussions all throughout Washington. In fact, one law enforcement official said today they plan to start questioning female pages. To which Ted Kennedy and Bill Clinton said, 'This witch hunt has to stop now.'." --Jay Leno
"It seems a lot of things about Republicans happen to be coming out now, only after they've done them." --Jon Stewart
"President Bush says there are similarities between Iraq and Vietnam. Of course, the big difference is, his dad could get him out of Vietnam." --Jay Leno
"As of this coming Thursday, Saddam Hussein will have been on trial for one year. One year? If this trial was in L.A., he'd be out playing golf right now." --Jay Leno
"Traditional conservatives want small government and the government is getting smaller because congressmen are leaving office in disgrace. And one of those congressmen is Mark Foley, who had some electronic conversations with young congressional studs. And as I've said before, stud is just a text message abbreviation for 'Strong Teen Using Democracy.' Now with Foley's resignation came a disturbing revelation: there are gay Republicans -- apparently a whole lot of them. This is absolutely not fabulous." --Stephen Colbert
"Apparently North Korea set off a nuclear bomb. Now they say the seismic tests were inconclusive. So basically we have no idea whether they did it or not -- or as the Bush administration calls it, 'a slam dunk.'." --Bill Maher
"The U.S. population hit 300 million people yesterday. In a related story, the population of Mexico now down to 38 people." --Jay Leno
"The United States and Europe say they are ready to begin imposing low level sanctions against Iran, such as travel bans. That's going to ruin a lot of people's Labor Day plans. How many of you are going to Iran?." --Jay Leno
"Ernesto -- you've heard about this storm? Gathering speed, heading up the East Coast. They said Washington might be hit. That's when you know the federal government has its head up it's ass when the hurricanes have to come to you." --Bill Maher
"Apparently, he got into a reading contest with Karl Rove -- who by the way lost 22 pounds so far this year. He said the midterm elections are coming up and he needs to get down to his smearing weight." --Bill Maher
"President Bush is back from his big trip to Asia. In fact, this is the first time he was able to get out of Vietnam without any help from his dad." --Jay leno
"Remember the good old days when the only people that Republicans were screwing were the poor." --Jay Leno
"In one of the email messages, Foley told one of his young pages...he said he is never to busy to masturbate...If only Bill Clinton had followed that advice, he could have stayed out of trouble." --Jay Leno
"There is a scandal going on and every day it seems to get worse. Now more pages came forward today saying this thing with Foley goes back 11 years. Rush Limbaugh said today, 'You see, another threat Clinton completely ignored.' He also said, 'This would have never happened if Al Gore didn't invent the Internet.'" --Bill Maher
"Let's pretend this plug is 'Iraq' and you're trying to connect it to the 'war on terror,' which is this avocado. You can do it... but here's the problem: The avocado still doesn't turn on. And now your plug is covered in guacamole." --Jon Stewart, demonstrating the connection between Iraq and the war on terror
"A new poll finds that 60 percent of Americans think George W. Bush is a worse president than his father. However, President Bush's advisers cheered him up by telling him he's the second best George W. Bush who's ever been president." --Conan O'Brien
"In an interview with FOX News Sunday, John Kerry said his botched joke about Iraq will not hurt his chances for a presidential run in 008. Now see that was funny. That was a good joke." --Jay Leno
"The president of Afghanistan says over the past year, democracy has suffered a set back in his country. On the bright side, at least now he and President Bush have something in common." --Jay Leno
"After three long years, our efforts in Iraq have been successful in fostering a new generation of people who hate us." --Jon Stewart
"A new National Intelligence Estimate report recently leaked to the New York Times says the war in Iraq has made the overall terrorism problem worse, and has spread Islamic radicalism further than before. Now that sounds bad, but remember, this is from a U.S. intelligence report. Take it with a grain of salt." --Jon Stewart
"Big changes in Washington. ... Earlier today, new Secretary of Defense Robert Gates flew to Iraq to get a first-hand look of the situation over there. After surveying the situation, Gates was quoted as saying, 'Uh oh.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday, President Bush delivered his annual Kwanzaa message. The president said let's remember that Kwanzaa only exists because a guy named Kwan died for our sins." --Conan O'Brien
"Time Magazine has named everyone their 'Person of the Year.' And somehow, Al Gore still came in second." --Jay Leno
"An Iraqi judge officially dropped all remaining charges against Saddam Hussein. That's nice. You don't want to leave a guy hanging." --Jay Leno
"President Bush has moved out National Intelligence Director John Negroponte and appointed Mike McConnell. Negroponte said he didn't see the move coming, which might explain why he's no longer head of intelligence." --Jay Leno
"Isn't this weather crazy? This is the warmest January in the history of weather keeping records. As a matter of fact, another chunk actually broke off Condoleezza Rice." --David Letterman
"Those sworn in included a diverse group of Democrats, from Minnesota's Keith Ellison, America's first Muslim congressman who chose to be sworn in on a Koran, and 89-year-old Robert Byrd, sworn in on not just a Bible, but the Bible." --Jon Stewart
"Remember the good old days when the only people that Republicans were screwing were the poor." --Jay Leno
"As we learned after Katrina, Republicans aren't the finger-pointing types [on screen: multiple Republicans saying they won't play the 'blame game']. Well, that was then. Today, it's the Republicans' own house that is flooded, and apparently the liquid is jism." --Jon Stewart
"Last night was the season premier of Lost.In this opening episode, Congressional Democrats found themselves inhabiting a bizarre, unfamiliar place--the moral highground." --Jay Leno
"John Kerry announced yesterday that he will not run for president in 2008. ... He says he wants to spend more time on his career in comedy." --Jay Leno
"Senator John Kerry went to the floor to make what he called an 'important and urgent announcement' [on screen: Kerry talking about a variety of things and concluding that he will not run for WH '08]. Unfortunately, this is another example of sloppy journalism. The media said this is Kerry announcing he will not run in 2008. In fact, this was Kerry simply completing his concession speech from 2004" --Jon Stewart
"President Bush is being criticized for not mentioning New Orleans in his speech the other night. Today the president apologized and said, 'I can't believe I ignored New Orleans ... again.'" --Jay Leno
"John Kerry announced yesterday that he will not run for president in 2008, which leaves only several hundred Democratic candidates for president." --Jimmy Kimmel
"What a month this has been for Republicans. George Allen's been on the front page and Mark Foley's been on every other page." --Jay Leno
"President Bush is now calling for sending 21,000 more troops to Iraq. How does he come up with that number? I don't even think 21,000 people in the country think it's a good idea." --Jay Leno
"Muslim groups are concerned that the new season of '24,' which features Muslim terrorists setting off a nuclear explosive near Los Angeles, will foster hate against them and create a climate of Islamophobia. Also creating a climate of Islamophobia -- terrorism." --Seth Meyers
"The Reverend Jesse Jackson told CNN that he's planning to endorse Barack Obama for president. Experts say this is a risky move for Jackson, because hardly anything rhymes with 'Barack Obama.'" --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush is expected for the first time next week in the State of the Union address to talk about global warming. He doesn't want to, but it's either that or talk about Iraq." --Jay Leno
"There's still a lot of criticism of the Saddam Hussein hanging. You know, the way I look at it is Saddam died doing what he loved -- attending an execution." --Jay Leno
"The good news is last night President Bush finally admitted he's made mistakes in Iraq. The bad news is he's planning to make the same mistakes again." --Jay Leno
President Bush also said that all the military commanders who have looked at his plan say it will work. That's because all the ones who said it wouldn't work aren't military commanders anymore." --Jay Leno
"Of course, President Bush is in town, as well. Earlier today at the public library, President Bush and the First Lady gave a speech on literacy. Apparently, she was for it and he was against it." --Conan O'Brien
"Robert Novak does not watch the 'Daily Show,' or myself -- not surprising. I keep reading all these articles about how the 'Daily Show' is big amongst 115-year-old vampire demons." --Jon Stewart
"President Bush met with the Iraqi Prime Minister Maliki. ... Afterwards President Bush said 'Maliki is the right man for the job.' Just to remind you, President Bush also said FEMA's Michael Brown was the right man for the job, Donald Rumsfeld, right man for the job, Tom DeLay was the right man for the job, which would be ok if Bush was the right man for the job." --Jay Leno
"President Bush now attempting to raise a half a billion dollars to fund the construction of the presidential library. This will be all of President Bush's important papers that will be out. In fact most of them are so important when he goes to the library, President Bush will be seeing these papers for the first time." --Jay Leno
"The Bush administration is upset because the New York Times has started describing the situation in Iraq as a civil war. Apparently President Bush prefers the term, 'Something Lacking in Iraqi." --Conan O'Brien
"There's talk that Vice President Gore could win an Oscar for his movie. ... If he does get it, it would be his first win since the presidency in 2000." --Jay Leno
"There's a lot of tension in the world. Over the weekend, Pope Benedict apologized to the Muslims. Altar boys, on the other hand, are still waiting for their apology." --David Letterman
"Today Nancy Pelosi became the first woman Speaker of the House. They say this is the furthest anyone in a dress has gotten in Washington since J. Edgar Hoover." --Jay Leno
"President Bush is claiming that a new postal law gives him the authority to read anyone's letters without a warrant. If you're upset about the law, you can let Bush know by writing to your sister." --Conan O'Brien
"All our best to Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. He broke his leg while skiing in Idaho. Arnold tried to act like it didn't hurt, but you know Arnold can't act." --Jay Leno
"Televangelist and radio enthusiast Pat Robertson made a major announcement yesterday. He says that God told him terrorists will conduct a mass killing in the United States late 2007. ... I think we found our lead suspect." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Yesterday in a 25 to 24 vote, Republicans welcomed back Lott back into their leadership and named him minority whip. That is great for Trent. They say minority whip is a stepping stone to Grand Wizard." --Stephen Colbert
"President Bush now in his eight day trip to China. His approval rating is 31%. Not good. To give you an idea of how unpopular President Bush is, on Air Force One now, he can't even get the window seat." --Jay Leno
"A recent study shows that Osama bin Laden wields a surprisingly low amount of influence over Islamic ideology. They don't listen to him. I don't want to say Osama's losing power, but you want to know what his al Qaeda code name is now? Donald Rumsfeld." --Jay Leno
"The situation might be improving in Dhi Qar, but conditions continue to deteriorate in the capital of Bagdad. So with sectarian violence spreading, U.S. forces have approved an Iraq plan to protect Baghdad by digging trenches around the entire city, completely protecting Baghdad from World War I era soldiers." --Jon Stewart
"Oil has fallen to $60 a barrel. Experts predict it will continue to fall until exactly one minute after the polls close on November 7th." --Jay Leno
"The Vatican has increased protection around the Pope. How ironic is that -- A Catholic using protection?" --Jay Leno